Monthly Archives: March 2005

Day 11: Fatigue

I think I’m giving my sponsor much too easy a job. I’m still doing fine.

And this week, for some reason, I’m really wearing my “bedroom slippers” when it comes to exercise. I was just getting into a routine, going to the gym before work, but this week it’s just not happening. I don’t know why – this morning there was a class I was actually looking forward to, but when the alarm rang, I just couldn’t be bothered. And I miss the exercise, I really do – normally I’m one of those people who are asleep the minute their head hits the pillow. No kidding. But last night and the night before, it was tough to go to sleep… which has NEVER happened before… which leads me to think that I’m just not tired enough, in other words, I haven’t spent my energy.

But if that’s so, why can’t I get up in the morning??

These are really secondary considerations as long as I weigh and measure, which I do. I’m not beating myself up about exercising, but NOT doing it has all these side effects I don’t want, and still I can’t seem to get up in the morning. I’ve tried every single day this week. And it’s not like I can do it in the evening, because every single evening, I’m out doing things and don’t get home until 10pm.

Ah, well… keeping in mind that I wouldn’t have any of these issues if I were in the food, because food would be all there is, I’m grateful for today and will stick to GS no matter what. Have a wonderful day, all.

Day 10: Growing Up

A milestone! A milestone!

OK, maybe that’s ridiculous with people who have the same number in YEARS.

Anyway… I’m getting the hang of this. 🙂

I’ll probably have to upgrade my cell phone plan: not enough minutes to keep up with the phone meetings! I love going there, I love listening to the voices of reason. It is because of them, and of what I read on here, and because of my great sponsor, that my attitude is such that the past 10 days haven’t even been a struggle to me. There are lots of things going on in my life right now – mostly positive, thank HP – and even with the stress/busyiness that comes with that, I can and do cope… joyfully. I’m present with the people I interact with.

Reading through my daily meditation today, which asked the question of whether I’ve ever really, really cared for anyone other than myself, that struck a big chord with me. I used to blame my mother’s death for my inability (or unwillingness?) to love, because she died when I was 15 and up to that point, she was really the one person I was the most attached to. Her death was a startling experience, as surprising as it was painful, and the following three years until I was 18 and able to move out of my stepmother’s house (who died when I was 18, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get out) were boot camp hell. So I figured that’s probably why I’m such a relationally challenged person – I have friends, but they’re not necessarily close to me. Now I come to realize that this distance I build may have its ROOT in the past, but it is a character defect now. A very wise friend once said to me that as children we do what we have to do to survive, but if we carry on doing this as adults, it’s sin (other word: character defect).

I’ve always been a very mature person, even as a kid (I was my mom’s best friend since about age 12, because she didn’t really have anyone else), but I’m beginning to understand that perhaps my practicality, that so-called “maturity”, is actually PREVENTING me from growing up – growing up in the sense of resting securely in my HP’s provision and love, and trusting in his protection, which means leaving the self-constructed defenses (he’s much better at defending/protecting me than I ever can be). To put it differently, maybe I’ve always been a grown-up in the worldly, practical sense, and it’s time to grow up spiritually.

In any case, in order to continue growing at all, I’m going to stay abstinent just for today and wish you all a wonderful, abstinent day as well.

Day 7: God’s Provision

It’s Easter Sunday, and I’m amazed at my HP’s provision when I needed it: mostly the fact that I was able to go online on Friday, Saturday, AND today! I don’t have Internet at home, so I thought I wouldn’t be able to get online until I get back to work on Tuesday. But each of these days, I had a couple of minutes AND a computer so I could reach out! It’s awesome… I learn on a daily basis the provision and help God will give me if I only am willing. And for today, I am.

I’m at a friend’s house again (church comes with a BIG family – that’s what I love about it – so I tend to be at someone’s place all the time. All it takes is some planning!) and we’re having a fun afternoon playing games and just being with each other.

Day 6: Got Through

I’m feeling very triumphant today, being able to say it’s day SIX!! Yesterday’s situation passed, like they all eventually do. I feel very happy today and thank you to those who emailed me with encouragement and called.

The Greysheet, Greynet and Phone meetings are the best things that ever happened to my life, because without them, I’d barely have a life.

Day 4: Muscle

Wow, to be four days in and still going strong? I’m amazed with myself.

Yesterday I heard a tidbit of wisdom that’s so OBVIOUS, and yet I’d never made the connection before… it’s like switching on that proverbial light bulb over my head, and I went “duh!” – my sponsor told me she sees times of food cravings as building muscle in abstinence. I always saw them negatively, was scared of the cravings, afraid I was going to give in, and (in my dieting history) eventually always DID give in.

Buildling muscle. Can’t say I look forward to it, but it’s a whole different perspective 🙂

I won’t be able to be online during the weekend. But I’m going to be in phone meetings and, by God’s grace, I will not eat anything other than committed GS food, no matter what.

Day 3: Can do it this time

On day 3 today, thank God, I am abstinent and weighing everything that I committed to my sponsor last night.

Because I now have a sponsor!

I’m so glad about this gift, of having a sponsor, and not only that, but someone whose personality and way of doing things seems to work perfectly for me. A very experienced, structured, no-nonsense sponsor. I thank my HP, God, for her.

It occurred to me this morning that I am having a much easier time being abstinent this time than I did at my first attempt… the reasons for that, I think, are:

1) I read through all the written qualifications on www.greysheet.org, have truly recognized myself in many of them, and have accepted the wisdom from them
2) As one of these qualifications says: I have made ONE decision, to be abstinent, and I have no intention of revisiting that decision for one occasion or another.
3) A practical issue: my life is just so much more settled and regulated than it was during my first attempt. I now have the time and willingness to get it all right, not just aspects.
4) I’m just in love with the food I get! Right before coming back to GS, I was doing the “South Beach Diet” – similar food choices, but you eat 5 meals a day rather than 3. Those 5, naturally, have to be smaller, so I could never get up from the table with a comfortably full feeling. It was only “just enough”, and I can live with true hunger much more easily than with this nagging “barely enough” feeling. Now I get full every single time! And empty too, before the next meal!
5) For some reason, the struggle I faced last time just isn’t there. I wasn’t surrendered last time. I took everything I heard and evaluated it with my addict mind. Now I just take everything I read/hear, period.

I’m ready to be abstinent just for today. It’s day 3, and I w/m all my food and eat nothing else, no matter what. Life is good!

Day 2: Mindsets

I was debating with myself whether to write today, or not.

I feel like I should have some abstinence under my belt to join the ranks of abstinent greysheeters… on the other hand, I won’t *get* these days under my belt unless I reach out. So, this being day 2, here I am.

There’s one process of thought that has tripped me over, and over, and over again. Especially when I’m just starting out (mind you, I’ve only done GS twice – this being the second time – and the first time I did manage 18 days), it’s so easy to say, I don’t have that much to lose. I don’t have X days/weeks/months/years of abstinence I’m jeopardizing, two days are easy enough to make up for. Just this one more time, knowing that I’m blowing it, but I can start again at 1 and I haven’t lost much.

It makes little sense when written down like that, but it makes a lot of sense to my warped mind, when it comes to food.

Today, I have a mini-challenge coming up. I’ve packed my own dinner, but I’ll be at a friend’s house who wanted to have dinner with me. I will eat my own dinner, but I will be subjected to her questions – not in a hostile sort of way, but she’ll naturally be curious and won’t understand. I don’t feel up to explaining my situation, telling her about my problem. I don’t feel she (or anyone) would take me seriously. That may be an old issue of mine, the fear of not being taken seriously if I have any problems at all, if I don’t project an “everything’s-just-fine” aura.

Anyway, I’m on day 2, and I’m feeling strong – strong enough to stick to my own dinner and nothing else. But not strong or established enough to defend my choices. That’s my challenge for today, and I’m thankful that it’s as small as it is – I know, others face far more serious situations. I won’t eat non-GS, no matter what.