Day 10: Growing Up

A milestone! A milestone!

OK, maybe that’s ridiculous with people who have the same number in YEARS.

Anyway… I’m getting the hang of this. 🙂

I’ll probably have to upgrade my cell phone plan: not enough minutes to keep up with the phone meetings! I love going there, I love listening to the voices of reason. It is because of them, and of what I read on here, and because of my great sponsor, that my attitude is such that the past 10 days haven’t even been a struggle to me. There are lots of things going on in my life right now – mostly positive, thank HP – and even with the stress/busyiness that comes with that, I can and do cope… joyfully. I’m present with the people I interact with.

Reading through my daily meditation today, which asked the question of whether I’ve ever really, really cared for anyone other than myself, that struck a big chord with me. I used to blame my mother’s death for my inability (or unwillingness?) to love, because she died when I was 15 and up to that point, she was really the one person I was the most attached to. Her death was a startling experience, as surprising as it was painful, and the following three years until I was 18 and able to move out of my stepmother’s house (who died when I was 18, otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to get out) were boot camp hell. So I figured that’s probably why I’m such a relationally challenged person – I have friends, but they’re not necessarily close to me. Now I come to realize that this distance I build may have its ROOT in the past, but it is a character defect now. A very wise friend once said to me that as children we do what we have to do to survive, but if we carry on doing this as adults, it’s sin (other word: character defect).

I’ve always been a very mature person, even as a kid (I was my mom’s best friend since about age 12, because she didn’t really have anyone else), but I’m beginning to understand that perhaps my practicality, that so-called “maturity”, is actually PREVENTING me from growing up – growing up in the sense of resting securely in my HP’s provision and love, and trusting in his protection, which means leaving the self-constructed defenses (he’s much better at defending/protecting me than I ever can be). To put it differently, maybe I’ve always been a grown-up in the worldly, practical sense, and it’s time to grow up spiritually.

In any case, in order to continue growing at all, I’m going to stay abstinent just for today and wish you all a wonderful, abstinent day as well.


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