I’ve decided to quit counting days (that helps me in my mind to drive home the accomplishment of 90 days, and that I have now entered a whole new “Phase 2” – the phase of being able to serve!). From now on, it’s dates. Like, tomorrow being 3 months. Woo hoo!
I still get up in the mornings looking forward to my breakfast. Which is the same thing I’ve eaten for months now. It’s so funny – I love my food, and I’m allowed to! This morning I shook up my routine a little, prepared breakfast before my reading and prayer, but I found that while the food sat there I really couldn’t concentrate, I wanted the food too much! *Laughs* I just don’t get bored of it.
Breakfast is my favorite food of the day, so I don’t mess around with it, but now I find myself trying out new things for the other two meals. There are some vegetables on the Greysheet that I have never cooked with or eaten before, because they aren’t common back in Europe where I’m from. I had no idea what to do with them, so I asked around a little, found out that they were incredibly easy to work with, and tried a certain kind of them last night. And I love it! So, this non-cook is venturing out carefully. 😉 This Greysheet has such a wide range of foods!
Day 89. Counting days is coming to an end. Who’d have thought?
My key is willingness. Tomorrow WILL be day 90, because I’m willing. Had this discussion yesterday with my sponsor… I’m not going to say “HP willing”, because the HP I believe in will not shove food down my throat if I don’t want it. It’s not HP’s willingness, because HP is more than willing for me to remain abstinent, HP is my strength in CGS. It’s *me* who needs willingness, and for today, I am as willing as I was on day 1. Today is no different than, say, day 4 was, except that weighing foods now goes much quicker…
I have free will, completely. I am free to eat whatever I want to, and nobody is going to stop me if I choose to put sugars/grains/starches into my body – HP won’t, and people won’t. I’m free to go. But for today, I exercise my free will by choosing to eat my committed CGS meals only. Nobody will stop me from that, either, and if I ask, both HP and people will support me. I’m feeling very strong today, but that might change tomorrow, I’m a down-and-dirty addict after all. But for those days, all I need to do is ask: HP and people. I know they’re there, and they help.
I’m about to go camping, in about two weeks. I’ll be gone for five days, and I don’t know if I will have the opportunity to check in with my sponsor – don’t know if cell phones work there, etc. I’ve already agreed on a strategy with my sponsor. But I’d like to put the question out here, as for food, what proteins would be a good idea? I’m planning to bring all my food pre-weighed so all I need to do at mealtime is take out the appropriate container and eat. So, since I don’t know if there will be any refridgeration available, *all* my stuff should be able to withstand summer temperatures… or at least, be edible (doesn’t even have to be *good*) – any suggestions?
I had a bad night tonight. Another food dream (my second since I got abstinent) – I was convinced in the morning that I had eaten. Had to really examine myself… and then, relief… I think this was brought on by seeing people eat one of my favorite binge foods at prayer meeting last night (I couldn’t help watching, but tried to stay away as far as possible). The food I ate in my dream actually was totally different, but nevertheless. It was weird how even in the dream I couldn’t stop eating once I started, I was loving it, shoveling food in my mouth – except that I didn’t feel any of the fullness/pain/mental horror that comes along with eating. I was just happily eating myself into oblivion without feeling any of the drawbacks. That’s dangerous ground, because that’s not how it is in reality.
In my waking moments, I work had not to “romance the food” – that’s a phrase I heard on one of the GS CDs from one of the retreats and it has stuck with me ever since. Romancing the food is so dangerous! I can’t help my mind going there sometimes, but once it’s there, I can consciously redirect it. And I do that. I can’t dwell on foods. I can’t go to recipe websites and salivate over pictures of foods I can’t have (I used to do that while dieting). Now, my subconscious still wants to romance the food and that’s why it’s coming out in my dreams, but I’m so happy it’s not real.
Oh, and another good news bit: I went to a website today researching faucet water filters (because I always drink tap water) and this company was having sweepstakes, so I entered, and it said I WON! I should receive their newest faucet water filter in the mail within 6-8 weeks!! And I normally NEVER win ANYTHING!
I went out for a run this morning! I’m so happy with myself. Why is it that I have to make myself feel guilty for weeks until I finally do something I enjoy? And I did enjoy the run! I was out there at 4:45 this morning, it was still dark, and quite humid. Geez, I’m Austrian, we don’t do humidity. But even so, the run was absolutely beautiful! This morning I learned what “heavy, fragrant air” really is… it’s wonderful to live in the country! Running on a little road with fields on both sides, and it was just light enough to make out the fog hovering over them. No cars out at this time of day, either, just me.
Anyway, I just can’t get over how great this was this morning… 😀 of all the gifts abstinence gives me, one of the greatest ones is what my sponsor calls a “low delight treshold” – meaning that I can totally delight in small things that I wouldn’t even have noticed, or would have taken for granted before.
Hope everyone has a wonderful day, abstinently.
I’m exhausted today! The weekend was awesome, but this body is getting older and not doing all that any more…
Seriously, New York was awesome, I had such a great time. It was only the second wedding I’d ever been to, and these are two friends I consider family, so with the way they did the ceremony and everything I found myself crying so much! But with happiness… this wedding was a long time coming. While there, I socialized and made a conscious decision to get out there and dance, no matter what – usually I’d be on the sidelines trying to pretend I was having fun when the issue was really my embarrassment at hauling my elephant figure out on the dance floor for everyone to see. So I’d look very awkward too, because I’d be so stiff and embarrassed. Well yesterday I made the decision that I wouldn’t care and just do it, and so I did – and had the greatest time ever! I probably wasn’t graceful to watch, but nobody did, they all had fun with me. So that was a great experience.
Then the next day, Sunday, first thing in the morning I made it to a Greysheet meeting. Promptly went to the wrong room, but luckily the qualifier had to get something from that room and saw me there. It started out pretty small but people came trickling in slowly (this was at 7:15am!). I absolutely loved sitting in a room with Greysheeters and being able to SEE them, not just HEAR! I also saw at least one familiar face, and that person recognized me too and welcomed me back (if you don’t know, I was in Greysheet *very* briefly in Spring of 2004, when I still lived in NY). More and more people came in for the next meeting, but I couldn’t stay as I had to get to church.
The church is having a 3-day fast now (mostly on water), so after the service a couple of us went to Whole Foods and then to the Park, where we sat on the meadow and they ate their fasting food and I ate my GS meal. Worked out perfectly! It was a relaxed, beautiful time, and today I’m sunburned. (sheesh, I’m SO white!)
Got home real late last night, and I’m wiped out today. But happy.
It’s Saturday, and I get to share? That’s because I’m at a friend’s house and they have Internet so I decided to check in briefly.
Anyway, I’m still a compulsive overeater and I weigh my 3 meals off the CGS and commit them to my sponsor. I don’t eat anything I haven’t committed, no matter what – that’s my #1 priority for today.
The wedding was wonderful. I ate my meal that I had brought with me.
I read all the emails from today, and among them was one to me personally. I had offered my advice when it wasn’t asked from me to give. The person reacted by telling me so – that I had overstepped the boundaries. I’m hurt. It hurts because my intention was to help, and in offering my advice, I obviously did harm and hurt the other person.
I feel reprimanded, and my impulse is to isolate about it and just shut up. Not respond to people personally any more, so this can’t happen again. My natural impulse wouldn’t even be to talk about this on here, but I’ll put it out there because it’s about ME… I made a mistake, I hurt a person, and guess what? When I first read that email reply, I resented. I resented the person for telling me that I had done something wrong when my sincere intention was only to help. I was hurt. Well, I’m still hurt. I guess I’m going to send out fewer emails in the next couple of (whatever?), because I have to admit, I’m discouraged.
I have to keep in mind that there are Greysheeters out there who I can safely encourage. I suppose it’s not yet my place to give advice. Maybe it’ll never be my place to give advice to anyone but my sponsor. For now, I’m going to shut up.
But I don’t eat, no matter what.