Monthly Archives: March 2007

Overwhelmed at work

I feel overwhelmed at work. This is because I truly care – my heart is involved at work because I feel it matters (it is for the good of other people) and I really want to do an excellent job with it. Further the cause. Do the best I can. I never used to feel that way about a job, but this is much more than a “job”.

Food-wise I’m having some difficulty today, I keep wanting something in my mouth but I can’t drink any more because my belly’s already bursting. Gum isn’t an option because I can’t stop once I start. Don’t know what to do.

Almost a breakdown

I’m dealing with feelings and I don’t know how to deal – I can’t even name many of them. Yesterday, cold and exhausted and hungry, I came home and I was shaking, made my dinner. Then started crying for no reason. My housemate asked me what the problem was and I had no idea! I still don’t. There’s lots of little things, but nothing that would warrant an overreaction like this. I’m not a cryer, normally. Ever. Got myself under control eventually, but man, I was toeing the line to a nervous breakdown WITHOUT ANY IDEA WHY!

I suppose there’s lots of little things adding up. Moving this Saturday.  Reaching my sponsor live only once in a blue moon, and when I do, feeling like I just cannot connect to her – she’s lovely and it’s only an issue of different personalities, I like her but I need much patience to deal with the way she is.  Work is lots of pressure. House needs to be deep-cleaned on Monday (the one I’m moving out of).

Whatever the case is, none of these things are that hard to handle. I haven’t got a clue why my feelings are acting up like that. I know I’m not hormonal because I don’t have a monthly cycle (which is a hormonal condition, the upside of which is that I don’t get mood swings). I’ve got just over five months of b2b-abstinence (six month anniversary on April 15th!), but have been out of the sugars/grains/starches since March ’05.

It’s unsettling. Perhaps I’ve become so good at pushing down emotions that I don’t recognize one when I feel it. Certainly can’t put a name to it, much less deal with it (except push it down, which I eventually managed to do yesterday – if I hadn’t, I have no idea what would have happened – total hysteria?)

Thank you all for being there for me to share this stuff. I don’t eat, no matter what.

Five months

I tend to be VERY careful with my food, when I weigh it, to concentrate and make sure I get everything right. I’m a very thorough person anyway – the kind who is always on time, do what I promise to do, do not forget things. Well, I messed up. The past few days I’ve been weighing out the wrong amount of protein for breakfast, even after committing the CORRECT amount I still weighed out the WRONG amount! I don’t know what happened, how I could have got things wrong like that. Goes to show me, ever to be vigilant! It wasn’t self-will, though, a simple honest (if incomprehensible) mistake, so I’m happy to report that today is my 5-month anniversary.

I packed up some boxes for my move yesterday, and today I’m sore and will just go to bed. Glad I started early, I’ll have plenty of time to get everything sorted and as stress-free as possible. Working actively on not resenting my housemates.

The bottom line is, I don’t eat, and that’s the best I can do. It’s a gift beyond imagination. I got an email today from a diet program I used to belong to, and as I read it, it occurred to me just how extreme that program was – and I thought I needed that! Today I don’t live in sacrifice; I don’t deny myself everything that’s good; I eat – gasp – a BALANCED diet! I’ve always been one for extremes, from no-fat veganism to fat fasts/low- to no carb. Never the middle way. My body’s been through so much! Of course, in a sense Greysheet is also an extreme, but nutrition-wise it’s actually an extremely balanced approach for where I’ve been before.

I LOVE THIS PROGRAM!!!!

I LOVE MY FOOD!!!

I look forward to my EVERY meal. And I relish every bite. No guilt; no sacrifice; no negotiations with myself. FREEDOM.

Resentment over finances

I’m back from my food poisoning episode. It’s good to eat again. Funny thing is, even though I now feel physically completely recovered, the one thing that’s still missing is the sensation of hunger! Normally I get REALLY hungry before meals. So this is definitely a very welcome reprieve, however long it’ll last!

I’m struggling financially… due to moving house next week (which itself causes quite some resentment for me as that decision to give up the house was made without my input – even though I did find a new place which is much better in every way!). The estate agents are ruthless. Money is going out left and right and I don’t have it, I just don’t!! Add to that the general resentment I feel toward my housemates, who are all arranging their own moves without offering to arrange things together, who just blithely ask me if I’ve made my arrangements… add to that having to scrub this stupid house squeaky clean after it’s all cleared out… I’m really, really fighting major resentments here. All of the other stuff I can handle, but the money is a big issue because I’m scraping as it is. Things aren’t unfair – they’re all paying the same – I’m just resenting.

And I need to get that out of my system. The Big Book tells me that we cannot afford resentments. How the heck, then, do you get rid of them??

My plans to go to the States this year (NYC and VA, both places I have lived before and not been to in over a year to see my close friends) have officially died with this. I was SO looking forward to NY Greysheet meetings!!!!!!

Maybe 2008. I’m feeling trapped.

Violently sick

I had a really terrible time this weekend. Saturday night, I went to bed feeling somewhat dizzy and nauseous, and about half an hour later I was running to the bathroom to be sick. This is very traumatic to me – I don’t normally get sick like that, and even when I was in the food and wished I could get rid of the food I’d just binged on, I was never able to make that happen. Not that I didn’t try, and try hard. There’s just a block, I can’t do it – which I now recognise as a huge blessing – so the fact that I was so violently ill on Saturday really shook me. All day Sunday, while no longer vomiting, I was so weakened that every time I walked up or down the stairs in my house I needed 10 minutes rest on the couch.

The interesting thing about this is that all day Sunday, I wasn’t able to eat normally. I was barely keeping down water. Having called a qualified Greysheeter for advice, I followed her suggestions, and so I know that I’m still abstinent; but it was really interesting to see my own reaction to this. How I wanted comfort from food! Of course, food wasn’t an option – aside from abstinence, even if I weren’t abstinent, I COULD NOT have used food for comfort because I just couldn’t eat! But I still had to fight that urge, that being drawn to food. What a paradox.

Today I got up feeling much better, and have been able to eat my abstinent meals (two of them so far) as committed. This seems to be over almost as quickly as it came on… thank goodness! No matter how bad I feel, how nauseous, the idea of missing out on my meals is still terrible – even if I couldn’t possibly stomach them!

So I just wanted to share how I’ve discovered another facet of my illness (just how much of a comfort I get from food) and also that I’m still abstinent, gratefully so, thanks to this community of experienced Greysheeters who’ve been through all this before and can guide me through any situation.

Back from family

You may remember that I was almost undecided as to whether I should weigh and measure on my trip to see family. I just got back from that yesterday, and I went through it – ABSTINENTLY!

This has made such a difference; the time there was amazing, somewhat saddening because there is such a cleft between my family and myself and I see the difficulties they’re facing, but the point is, I was able to concentrate and become aware of those things – not everything was about food! I did have to assert myself, I just did what I needed to do and with some of my family, that was accepted (with some curious questions where I, unhappily, lied in reply), and with other parts of my family that was ridiculed and ripped apart and I let them ramble. No need to fight. I did what I needed to do and left the reactions be.

One thing I have really learned is that NOBODY and NOTHING can make me put food in my mouth that I haven’t committed. Only I can. So if I were to eat un-abstinently, I would be to blame – nobody else. The same way, yet knowing that I have had lots of help from God both practically and in providing me with the willingness, I get to take the credit for staying abstinent in a difficult situation. I wasn’t abstinent by accident – I made that choice and followed through with it.

The London Roundup right before my trip had certainly helped, too! I did feel really isolated though, all GS contact I had was my sponsor call in the mornings. It’s good to be back.