I was debating with myself whether to write today, or not.
I feel like I should have some abstinence under my belt to join the ranks of abstinent greysheeters… on the other hand, I won’t *get* these days under my belt unless I reach out. So, this being day 2, here I am.
There’s one process of thought that has tripped me over, and over, and over again. Especially when I’m just starting out (mind you, I’ve only done GS twice – this being the second time – and the first time I did manage 18 days), it’s so easy to say, I don’t have that much to lose. I don’t have X days/weeks/months/years of abstinence I’m jeopardizing, two days are easy enough to make up for. Just this one more time, knowing that I’m blowing it, but I can start again at 1 and I haven’t lost much.
It makes little sense when written down like that, but it makes a lot of sense to my warped mind, when it comes to food.
Today, I have a mini-challenge coming up. I’ve packed my own dinner, but I’ll be at a friend’s house who wanted to have dinner with me. I will eat my own dinner, but I will be subjected to her questions – not in a hostile sort of way, but she’ll naturally be curious and won’t understand. I don’t feel up to explaining my situation, telling her about my problem. I don’t feel she (or anyone) would take me seriously. That may be an old issue of mine, the fear of not being taken seriously if I have any problems at all, if I don’t project an “everything’s-just-fine” aura.
Anyway, I’m on day 2, and I’m feeling strong – strong enough to stick to my own dinner and nothing else. But not strong or established enough to defend my choices. That’s my challenge for today, and I’m thankful that it’s as small as it is – I know, others face far more serious situations. I won’t eat non-GS, no matter what.