Monthly Archives: August 2007

Gloriously free

I just want to express my gratitude for this awesome freedom I have today. It’s astounding. I’m free from the obsession of food, but that’s only the beginning! As I have grown in abstinence, freedom in other areas has been revealed… let’s see if I can make a list.

Today, I have and am growing in freedom:

  • to enjoy my food, to look forward to it, to make it SEXY
  • to take good care of my body (neither endulging nor punishing it)
  • to set boundaries
  • to keep boundaries
  • to be there for others
  • to provide for my own needs first: emotional, physical, and spiritual
  • to have preferences
  • to act on my preferences
  • to be selfless
  • to be selfish
  • to be able to disappoint people

–> to be ME

  • without apologies
  • without guilt
  • without fear

I’m not there yet, but I’m getting there. Abstinence teaches me important lessons, and the clarity abstinence brings gives me a glimpse into what makes me, ME. I used to stuff it down, now I’m coming to know myself and who I actually am, who God made me to be.

Abstinence: the gift that keeps on giving! 🙂

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Planning

I have a lot of travelling coming up and, as we say, if you fail to plan then you plan to fail. Well I don’t plan to fail! But between moving, going away for 3 days for work, travelling to Germany and Austria and later on travelling to CA, VA, NY and CT (all in one trip!), I feel like I really need to sort out my plans as soon as possible.

SO… I have already organised a temp sponsor for my travels to Germany and Austria, and before and after the trip I will actually go to the GS meetings in London – to build up strength. For my USA trip, I will spend a day and two nights with the Greysheet community in CT, and being in touch with my sponsor shouldn’t be a problem. And of course I’ll visit a meeting or two in the 3 days I’m in NYC.

The one thing I have yet to sort out is my time in Los Angeles. It’s still a long time off – I’ll arrive on Saturday, November 3 – but I’d really like to sort out what I’ll do that weekend. Are there GS meetings on Sunday or Monday lunchtime? (The conference I’m going to starts Monday afternoon), and, more importantly, does anyone there have a bed or sofa for me for that Saturday and Sunday night (11/3 and 11/4)?

I have actually been hosted by a wonderful Greysheeter before, two years ago, in LA. It was such a beautiful experience to see someone committed to abstinence in the middle of family life, too – as a single person, I feel like I have it really easy 🙂

I’d very, very much appreciate it and I can’t tell you how much I look forward to all those meetings!!!

A first

For the first time today, I was asked to leave a restaurant.

Whenever I go out to eat (I only go when friends go, never on my own) I bring my own food. Today I was with three others, who all ordered, but when I was seen eating my own food I was asked to either pack it away or leave. Well, I had already started, lunch was late and I was hungry, and I didn’t like the attitude anyway… so off I went, enjoying my lunch in solitude on a lovely, sunlit park bench.

Growth through pain

My last email to the group came from such a desperate heart. I just expressed the raw emotion that I hadn’t even processed yet… just the numbness. The act of writing it and reaching out, however, was in itself so healing already – this group is my lifeline in so many ways, calling for help on here was the most natural thing to do.

Since then, my sponsor has been guiding and gently prodding me, so I could learn from the experience and process it constructively. I have so much to think about, my patterns, my behaviours, ways of relating to people… and I am thinking about all those things and humbly asking God to work with me, one day at a time, to change me.

How is this psycho-babble relevant to Greysheet? Simply put: it is only because I am ABSTINENT no matter what that I can even become aware of my character, let alone work on it.

In the food, my character is perfect and life sucks and everyone else sucks and I’m a victim. (yeah.)

In abstinence, suddenly I’ve got resentments and fears and shortcomings… but one day at a time, I also get freedom and joy and even love. I’d say that’s worth it.

How does it feel? Men

I don’t know what to do… or even how I feel… or where to go with it. So I reach out here. Putting it down this way organises my thoughts.

I think I feel very numb right now. Just got news from one of my friends in New York – I’m in touch with them all as a group – that he is now dating another of my friends there. I love them both very much. But he – he had a special place in my heart. There was never any indication of interest, of course, and I didn’t actively hold out any hopes.

Only since I met him, I have never looked at other men. I met him in 2003 and moved away from there in ’04, so for the past three years I wasn’t even near him. But other men just didn’t occur to me. I’m 26, but I don’t even really desire to get married – if I did, I might have looked for “alternatives”. As it is, I never have understood this about myself until just now when I got the news… that the reason I’m such a happy single is that I’m simply oblivious to men, other than that one (who was out of sight, out of mind – but not out of heart, apparently).

I don’t know how I feel now. I didn’t know I felt that way in the first place.

There’s a numbness. Something deep has changed, a hope has ceased to exist. I knew I was going to see him in November when I go to visit, and I was excited about that… oh guess what, I was praying this morning in the shower that God would do his will in this. How swiftly that prayer was answered.

I sit there and stare into space. Don’t know what to do… what to think… what to feel…

I’ll go pray now. It’s the only thing I can think of to do. But I needed to share with human beings.