The sentence, “Any excessive indulgence opens me up to feeling I can do it all, have it all, control it all – ego-whip the world with my will.” – this is what jumped out at me when I read this. That is so true. The moment I give something up – food, soda, gum… something else will come up all the more insistently. “Oh but you’re not doing THIS any more, why not do THAT instead.”
What I have to learn is how to live WITHOUT the fix, wherever the fix comes from. God needs to fill that fix-hole.
Easier said than done, of course. And I have to take the action myself. That’s so true – I remember, when I was eating, WHILE on a binge was the time that I was the most committed to quitting. Even as I was eating! I’d just finish this binge but after that there would be NO WAY I would eat like that again. It was *during* binges that I would be the most resolved to quit. But I have learned that no amount of commitment or resolve actually does the job. I have to put the food down and not pick it up again. Feelings, commitments, resolve – all doesn’t matter. I can be as uncommitted to quitting as I want, as long as I don’t pick up, I will succeed.
Not sure if that makes any sense. I’m just trying to say that feelings & emotions are totally unrelated to my success. I have to surrender and do the action of NOT doing my thing.