Monthly Archives: September 2005

6 MONTHS!

Today marks 6 months of abstinence for me.

The only experience I had with abstinence before this was the 18 days I white-knuckled back in Spring 2004 while I still lived in NY. I wasn’t ready. I was in NY, where there are meetings, and all the support I could possibly want… and it wasn’t enough. Now I live in MD, am an outpost, and all I have is the GreyNet and the Phonebridge… and I have 6 months.

It’s a miracle – and I thank my HP for it – but I do want to say that I have been doing the footwork to make it possible for my HP to work. Having an amazing sponsor helps, too, of course. 😉 But, back to the footwork, here’s what I’ve done and if I could do it, I hope that will give someone who’s just starting out some hope:

  • went to a meeting a day
  • did service from day 1: timing shares at phone meetings, reading stuff
  • did service from day 90: sponsored from my very first day after 90
  • began leading a phone meeting soon after my 90-day anniversary
  • qualified on meetings occasionally
  • CONSCIOUSLY redirected my thoughts whenever I found myself “romancing” the food
  • walked out, when necessary

I have been blessed with willingness, and I’ve consciously kept myself in an attitude of surrender. I pray that my HP will keep me in that place, because it’s been an easy ride – only because of this attitude.

It’s so good to be part of this family. What blessings I’ve got in those 6 months… can’t even begin to count! I’m more serene, more peaceful, I have a LIFE (and food is not it!)

Thank you all, I love you.

Vegan, again?

I have to admit I’ve been reading some websites from my old favorites, they’re still saved there. Having been more and more uneasy with my food choices – all Greysheet, of course! – I’ve been wondering and thinking about how I could possibly incorporate the one into the other. Obviously I’m committed to abstinence first… and money is scarce… but still. In the food, I don’t care where my food comes from, but as I grow in abstinence my standards seem to come back…

What I want to do, though, is make a commitment on here that I will NOT put anything before Greysheet abstinence. Not ethics, not preference, nothing, because Greysheet is what works for me.

Tiredness

I don’t have much to write, I’m tired. Not really physically, just emotionally I guess – being at this job, knowing there will be a change (more than likely), and… I just feel stuck and exhausted.

But, feelings are feelings… and I don’t eat. As a matter of fact, I very much look forward to my AA meeting tonight, and to dinner.

Job situation change

My job situation is going to change. I was just asked into the principal’s office to learn that the board is asking me to sign a change to my contract to extend my “probation period” by 3 months so that the new board, which will be elected next week, has some time to evaluate whether my position is necessary or not.

I started about a year ago and it’s an incredibly tough job – everything I do gets opposed, and I keep running into walls. I don’t even have a budget!! They’re Germans, they have no idea about fundraising, and I’m caught between a rock and a hard place as I have nothing to work with and yet keep being asked why I haven’t raised a million yet.

Honestly, I’m happy that action has been taken. I would not mind getting out of this job at all… the only problem, which is a HUGE problem, is that my visa to be in this country depends on my job. It’s transferable, but even transferring it will cost the new company money, and so I’m going to have a very, very hard time finding a new job. Another problem with transferring the visa is that I would have to do almost exactly what I’m doing now, because otherwise I’d need a new visa.

I do NOT want to leave this country. I’d be happy to move anywhere within it, but without relationship to a potential employer it’s extremely hard to convince anyone to put up money up front, which they would have to do to sponsor my visa. I understand their point. But it’s a hard situation for me.

There’s still time, three months from October. But since I have no savings, I don’t know what to do… if I do get fired, I cannot work legally, so I can’t take a “bridge” job until I find something better.

I guess I shouldn’t think about it yet.

What I WANT is to go to New York to live. My old church is there, and Greysheet is there. That’s what I *want*. But is it realistic? … *sigh* no.

Not eating, but pondering opportunities and problems today.

Finally some loss!

My sponsor had me weigh today because it’s been so frustrating with my lack of loss and so she directed me to make a change about something I eat daily, which I did, and now check if it worked. Looks like it did, 3 lbs. less! And the change wasn’t even all that painful. I was just scared.

Oh, and in other news: I can’t wait for the NY roundup!! 🙂 I so look forward to seeing other Greysheeters again.

Road Rage

I had to go back home today after I’d left for work because I left my food there. Because of this, I had opportunity to enjoy the congested streets twice… grrr…. and it really became so obvious to me how irrationally enraged I get. I don’t drive aggressively, but the anger – I would almost call it raw hate – I have towards people who drive obnoxiously slow, or drive aggressively, or just rudely – is totally out of proportion. I tried to lift this up to my HP as I was driving (or crawling, as the case may be), but I wasn’t very successful.

I’m disgusted at my own rage. It’s way out of proportion. But I don’t know how to get rid of it. The only thing I do know is that I don’t eat, because that won’t help either. 😉

Life is good!

Life is good, really good right now. Unfortunately, my cat’s life isn’t that good… he’s scratching his ear really badly and I’m having to him to the vet today (who he *loathes*). Thank HP that it’s two days to payday and if I write a check today, by the time they use it it’ll hopefully work. Gosh, if it wasn’t for money, life would be so easy.

In other news, I think I may keep my car (maybe not… I’m just being content with what I have right now, but that’s not to say that when I have the title I won’t get rid of it after all), and my knee has gone back to OK. It just takes two days after Volleyball, two days of pain, then it’s gone. But tomorrow I won’t forget my knee brace! – That should help.

All of these are nice problems to have. I can solve them. The only problem I can’t solve is my overeating, but that’s OK, because it’s arrested. 🙂