Yesterday I had an old memory surface, of the madness that is compulsive eating. Before I went vegan, I remember trying out a diet that was low-carb, but allowed you a one-hour window (which, apparently, is too short for the body to “switch over” from low-carb to high-carb, so the food just goes right through you. Right.) to eat “anything you want” in the evening. I suppose that was intended so people can have healthy vegetables and so-called healthy starches. Well, not me. I took it literally. All this diet did for me was teach me to speed-eat, so I’d be finished by the end of the hour. I think this is where I first learned to binge hardcore. I was 19.
Just a random memory. These buried things coming back up are a huge blessing to me, ever reminding me of how crazy I used to be. Whatever sanity I have now is totally due to my doing the footwork in Greysheet.
Picking up on something that struck me from another share, about looking for the one perfect food that will satisfy me. I remember that feeling. My head would repeat the words, “I want…” but trail off, not really knowing what it was, but I HAD to have it, and I was willing to go through all kinds of food in hopes that one of them would finally, finally hit THE SPOT. (yes, that needs to be in capitals.)
When I was finally so full that there was no way I could humanly put any more food into this body, I still wasn’t satisfied. THE SPOT was still yearning. Nothing ever hit the spot enough to satisfy me enough so that I would finally be calmed down and filled, and able to think of other things than food. Nothing did that for me.
It’s not that it wasn’t *enough*. It just wasn’t the right food. It didn’t hit THE SPOT, and because of this, I had to keep trying.
Today, every time I eat, I get satisfied. Miracle of miracles! Being a compulsive overeater, it has to do with the food, even though I’d like to say that I finally got so spiritual that THE SPOT was filled with God, my higher power. I think that’s the whole eventual goal of the program, and I’m not far into it, but my mind can’t wrap around this huge concept yet. For now, it’s the food. The food, the food, the food. I’m realizing how blessed I am that I have such an easy access to spirituality, to finding the solution to “I want…”: Food. Food is not the enemy, it’s the solution, but only when I’m in Greysheet.
Car update: the dealership hasn’t even processed my paperwork yet (I bought the car on 7/23), but they say they will do so this week. Once it’s at the MVA, they have a 3-week backlog to printing titles, and once my title will be printed – in, like, the end of September – they will mail it out and that can take “a few weeks”. So I cannot even SELL my car until I have that title, and of course, can’t buy a replacement until then because I don’t have the money for another car until I’ve sold this one. AAAAAARRGHHH!
Life: is great right now. Looking forward to my AA meeting tonight, and on Friday I’ll teach my first “real class” of ESL (previously I’ve taught 1 or 2 people at a time), and on Saturday I’m off to WV for camping. If you can call it camping, since it’s only for the day. But getting out, that’s just nice.
I’m busy, loving it. 🙂 It’s like HP is giving me this one little issue – the car – to keep me from thinking I’m dreaming, because everything else is just so awesome. Of course, that attitude *could* have something to do with the fact that I’m abstinent, feel like I’ve got sanity in my life & food, and feel like I’m finally shrinking out of my clothes. (Of course, the scale will tell me if I’m imagining things, on Thursday.)
Just wishing everyone a wonderful weekend! I have lots of things coming up, but rather than expand on them I’ll wait and see how they turn out. Refuse to speculate. 🙂
Stressed today because it’s the first day of school and I’m running around like mad, trying to take pictures of everything. Not that I don’t enjoy it, though 🙂
I’m feeling good today because:
- I have my car back (it still isn’t repaired, but having it beats not having it)
- I went to Spinning class today… for the 2nd time this week!
- I’m going to look at a place I might move to, after work. It’s $250/month less than I pay now, though utilities will be added which they aren’t at my current place. Still… much less money to pay for rent!
Only drawback today: my SOLES hurt! Killing me!
But, honestly, I’d rather walk on burning coals than feel the way I would if I were eating. Abstinent and SO grateful today!
Picking up my car from the mechanic today. He couldn’t fix it because it didn’t act up for him. So I take the car back today and I think what I’ll do is I’ll just wait until I get my title (30 days after the buying date) and then sell it privately, and get myself a good old reliable one. I’ve had enough.
Had a wonderful AA meeting yesterday. Same two people in attendance, making it three with me included. I’m getting more comfortable being the “odd one out”, as a COE, and they’re really very welcoming.
Tonight I take my car to the mechanic. Good thing I don’t have to pay in advance, because I don’t know how to pay. I’m not getting paid until the 1st, and even then I don’t have anything extra. The next time I have a surplus is on September 15th. So… I’m relying on God’s help.
As long as I’m abstinent, these things are minor. God help me.