Monthly Archives: July 2005

Paid

There is a God, and he takes care of me… I was paid today! (instead of Monday, which would be normal). I don’t know why, and I’m not going to ask. Yay!

Very relieved now, but still I know it’ll be very tight with Chicago coming up before my next paycheck.

But I won’t eat no matter what, and I *will* go to Chicago no matter what. And that’s that!

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Money!

This month, as so often, there is again more month than money. By far, actually! – I have already taken out $50 from savings (which amount to all of $250 now) and if I want to eat until Monday, I will have to take out another $50.

Sigh.

I am thankful, however, that I can make rational decisions about my money and my food, and that I can PLAN – budget, that is – for my money. In the food, I’ll just eat until it’s gone and then have half the month left over, as well as the unpaid bills. Now I have some days left over with no unpaid bills.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, give me more money, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thank you, Amen.

Grateful

I just had lunch and it filled me up and it was delicious. I wonder if “normal” people get that kind of gratification and satisfaction from their food. Don’t think so. I’m full, content, and grateful beyond measure today.

(Which is not to say that I won’t feel hungry, cranky, and ungrateful tomorrow – ah, the beauty of addiction!)

But days like this one are becoming more and more common, and I appreciate this so much… this program isn’t a chore, it’s not a hardship or a burden… it’s what enables me to have a wonderful life full of gratitude, no matter what the circumstances, just because my FOOD is what it should be.

I’m almost kind of sorry for “normies” because they have to chase various things to feel this way. I just eat Greysheet. 🙂

Making it stick

I am a COE, eating “normally” these days because I weigh my 3 delicious meals off the CGS and commit them to my sponsor daily. Today I won’t eat anything I haven’t committed, no matter what, and I make this my #1 priority for the day.

This mantra is important. I feel like it’s becoming more and more “normal” for me to eat on Greysheet, but there’s a certain danger in that. On one hand, it’s great to get routine and not have to think about everything 100 times. On the other hand, however, I’m feeling on edge because the desperation is leaving. I’m not desperate today because I have been free of compulsive eating for over four months.

Desperation was what drove me here… now I need to find something that *keeps* me here. And it can’t be just routine.

Service is one thing… connection to other GS’ers is another, and of course, hearing from newcomers about their struggles is powerful.

I’m not at the edge of eating at all, I’m just trying to protect myself and *never*, ever, be caught unawares by the disease. Complacency is my biggest enemy, not food. I’ve just been feeling like I need to make a conscious shift in my attitude to Greysheet, to go from desperation (which I can’t keep forever – nor should I, right?) to something else that will keep me abstinent for the long term. To the long termers: what is that? I would appreciate your thoughts.

Brainwashing

The car issue is resolved – turns out the smoke was because there was *too much* oil in it now, as my friend had overfilled it after he found there was none in there. So they did the oil change over again at the original company and gave me my money back. All is well, and the car runs.

For me personally, eating doesn’t seem to be very connected to emotions. I never had an urge to eat during that car crisis. However, two days after it was solved, I was out at a restaurant with friends (having my own GS meal with me) and it was *hard*. I think I’m an overeater by nature, I have no need for emotions to throw me… I want to eat when I’m sad, when I’m happy, when I’m lonely, when I’m with people, when I’m tired and when I’m fully awake. I simply have to be on my guard all the time, and what makes it possible is the “brainwashing” – in a good sense – that I subject myself to through my sponsor, the Greynet, the phone bridge, and individual
Greysheeters. All these things wash away the old patterns by making me aware of them so I can see and eliminate them by the help of my HP.

Today, I choose to rather have the occasional thought of eating (off-GS) than the CONSTANT desperation to quit eating (off-GS).

The car, again!

I don’t really have anything food-related to share today; my food is in its place, and I don’t take it out of that place. Life, on the other hand, is playing games with me right now.

I had my car oil changed two weeks ago, then scraping noises started. I don’t necessarily take every rattling seriously, because my car’s kind of old, but after two weeks and progressively getting worse, I finally had a friend of mine check it out. First thing he did was check the oil, and… – there was NO OIL in there! I called the company who did the oil change, and they will check my car over for damage and refund my money. If there is damage (and since I’ve refilled the oil yesterday, the car’s smoking white clouds every so often – and I’m not talking “a little”, I mean it’s filling the road behind me!), then I don’t know who’s going to pay for this.

Feeling feelings, as you might imagine. I certainly don’t have money to get another car, cheap as it may be.

SO… I drive my smokey car around town, hoping it won’t blow up on me, but I don’t eat. Eating won’t give me a new car, anyway.

4 months

Today marks 4 months of abstinence for me. I quit counting days, but certainly didn’t quit checking my progress 😉

I feel very peaceful these days. I have peace around my food, and I have peace about my weight as it goes down. I just trust that it does, rather than agonizing and trying to tweak and change things so I lose more. These days, I exercise (if I do!) only because I want to, and it feels good. Like yesterday, I ended up going to Pilates class instead of Spinning, just because I felt like it, and I didn’t end up beating myself up inside because I hadn’t chosen the high-intensity workout. In fact, I would have been fine with myself if I hadn’t gone at all.

My sponsor said something to me very early in abstinence that has really resonated with me and that I keep doing now: she told me to drop the word “should” from my vocabulary. So when it comes to the gym, it’s not that I “should” go. I don’t feel like I “should”, any more. I COULD go to the gym. That’s a whole different idea here. I could go to the gym, or maybe go somewhere else. It’s optional.

As long as I weigh and measure my food, all other things are optional. I have a lot of options these days.

Thank you all for being here and continuing this journey with me!!