Tag Archives: 18days-2004

Relapsed

This is the day I relapsed – I’m posting this just to mark the day.

NMW solved – relief!

Thank you so much [sic] and [sic] for your support… I suppose we’ve all had our NMW’s… my particular one, though, is resolved!

God heard and answered my prayer for a miracle. My wallet is back, no money is lost (there wasn’t any in there anyway), all is well.

And, guess what – my first thought was food! (as a celebration, perhaps?) – if I needed any more confirmation about how sick my mind is in terms of food, I sure have it now.

Just wanted to give that quick heads up and let everyone know things are okay. I’m on day 14, and even though I’m guzzling diet coke like crazy now, I’m still abstinent by the grace of God.

A big N-M-W!

Susanne here, two weeks abstinent today, grateful too. Still W&M’ing 3 meals off the GS and committing them.

Boy, am I wanting to eat today. And yesterday. I lost my wallet, with everything in it – cards, driving license, social security card – everything. What’s worse, is that most of my bank cards are from my home bank in Austria, and there blocking a card is much, much more difficult. You need a police report filed that you’ve lost it, and you need to go there in person, and there’s no way I can do that. I just called them and blocked it for today (one day is possible), then I’ll need to call again tomorrow and see what we can do. There’s fees ahead, and I have no cash or money in the bank to begin with. My savings at this point total just under $400, and that’s in a bank account I can’t reach.

As for my US account, I called them and they’d be able to get me a new card by tomorrow if I were able to produce two proofs of ID, which I’m not as all of that was in my wallet. I only have my passport right now. So since I can’t give them the ID, they’ll mail the new card to me and it won’t be here until April 14. How will I live until then???

This isn’t just frustrating, it’s difficult. How will I get new bank cards from home? How will I survive the next 7 days without cash? I haven’t even begun to think about getting a new driver’s license yet, it’s the same procedure back home… police report to file, personally go there, bring photo and ID, etc etc – none of which I can do. I can’t go home now, because I don’t have any vacation days left plus I couldn’t afford the trip to begin with anyway.

You have no idea how enticing the thought of numbing myself with food is right now. Numbing myself, blocking out the problem, with just about anything in fact – wouldn’t have to be food, necessarily, I’d take just about anything right now. I’m not a drinker, but a smoke sounds just lovely right now. Though I consciously know that I can’t knock myself out at this crucial time, that I need to be in this and organize my stuff, escape sounds so tempting. And yet, I won’t. I’ve got my wonderful sponsor behind me.

But right now, all I want to do is cry and plead with God to produce a miracle and get the wallet back to me. It’s no use. I’m at work and trying desperately to smile at people (I’m the receptionist).

Sponsor change

Susanne here, abstinent and exceedingly grateful, on day 12 today. I weigh and measure 3 meals a day off the GS, commit them to my sponsor, and don’t eat in between NMW. Abstinence is the most important thing in my life today.

A dozen days! You’ve got to be kidding me… ME? Ever?? Days have a way of accumulating whether you’re bingeing or doing the right thing, I suppose. One bite turned into a day binge, which turned into weeks and months, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that it also works the other way round, just way more constructively. There’s work involved, but it’s so worthwile. I haven’t respected myself this much in years, and I’ve never been so thankful to the Lord. I can’t begin to pray and thank enough, even if I made that a full-time job!

A lot of things have happened in those days. I haven’t emailed the Greynet in about five days, so let’s catch up… went to meetings on the weekend, connecting some more with the wonderful fellowship of GS. I lost my sponsor, too – she left me a message, and the first time around I wasn’t really concentrating and my heart sank… I thought she was telling me she was bumping me back to day one. (That day, I hadn’t reached her live and left her a voicemail with my food, and then called another qualified person to commit my food). I had to listen again, and in fact it was her who was bumped back – I later spoke with her, and I think she’s fairly okay, w&m’ing again. I’ll see her tomorrow night.

This is just such a sad thing to see… but an inspiration also, because knowing myself, if I were to be bumped back to day one, I’d have a serious battle with “what’s the use”-thoughts… as in, now I’ve been provided an excuse to binge until I’m desperate enough again to start fresh. Sick thinking, but I know my twisted mind. So to see her bounce back like that is very inspiring.

I’ve found a new sponsor now, with who I also really connect and for who I have a lot of respect. So things have worked out well.

In other news… I’ve been battling food thoughts severely for the past few days, and yesterday finally figured out why – duh! It’s that time of the month. I always used to eat before and during. As a matter of fact it’s remarkable that I’ve been able to stick to GS throughout – purely by the Grace of God, not me. No matter how well I’ve done on diets in the past, that time was always the end. But GS isn’t a diet, it’s life – and all the fellowship, I just couldn’t face my sponsor or the people I’ve met in person if I were to give in. GS works, it truly does.

Which is why I’ve signed up for the Chicago retreat, yay! Sending out my check today. I can’t say I can afford the trip, but hey, it’s a couple of months to go and until then I’ll figure out a way. There has to be one, HAS to.

Thank you all for your support and also for the journaling emails – lots of inspiration in there, I think I’ll start doing that! And everyone, please keep the email shares coming.

One week, hungry

thank you all so much for the support. It’s not just that I can post my daily struggles on here, but I know that people actually read them (because I know I read *all* posts) and even reply with their experience, strength and hope. Thank you so much.

Today I’m completing my first ever abstinent week! Thanks to the grace of God I’m abstinent today, measuring 3 meals a day off the GS, and making abstinence the most important thing in my life. I’m excited! Had you told me I’d be able to not stuff my face with sugar/carb food for an entire WEEK, a month ago I’d have sadly told you you’re crazy. But here I am today! Wow…

However, today I’m not doing all that well. Sure, I do stick to the 3 meals and all the rest, but I’m hungry. I was hungry yesterday, too. I wake up hungry even though I don’t have dinner until 10pm, then I’m hungry long before lunch, and then it’s forever until dinner. And of course, the portions are more like teasers than real fillers. I’m unsatisfied, to be frank.

I’m having as substantial meals as possible off the GS, just your basic meat and cooked veggies. But I watch my colleagues at work have their salads, AFTER I finished my lunch, and I’m still hungry and could eat their food. I figured I’d give myself half an hour after lunch to get the “full” feeling, I know that’s a delayed function, but it’s just not coming. I fill up on diet sodas (which I don’t actually like, but they stick around longer than water does) and I know that’s not good.

*sigh* hanging in there, but not very happy,
Susanne

Dreams

Susanne here. I’m a compulsive overeater, who’s been measuring and weighing 3 meals a day off the GS for 6 days now. I make abstinence the most important thing in my life today.

Apparently, though, my subconscious mind isn’t.

I’ve got to tell you about last night – I dialed into my first phone meeting yesterday, which I found awesome. I won’t be able to make it to any meetings until Friday, and I’m still in week one, so thanks to Cindy who sent me the phone numbers I can now at least attend the phone meetings. Well, I went to bed soon after the meeting, and dreamt… about food!

You wouldn’t believe how detailed that dream was. I dreamed I had (and this is hard to explain without naming the food, but I’ll try) somehow been given this food, and if I only licked it, I wouldn’t have to commit it to my sponsor and would still be officially abstinent. It went on from there – what foods could I sneak in, all without breaking my official abstinence, and since my sponsor can’t be there and look over my shoulder at all times anyway, why should I report to her that I failed? So I kept going “officially” abstinent and eating that food, which happens to be my favorite binge food.

When I woke up this morning, I was convinced I had done something wrong yesterday. You know how you sometimes can’t tell if you dreamed something or if it was real? I had to go back to my diary and read the plan I’d made and go through my day before I was convinced I hadn’t lost my abstinence. It’s amazing how strong the subconscious can be. I was frightened, and even though I wasn’t tempted to eat anything other than my GS breakfast, this dream made it very clear to me how easily I could lose my abstinence. It started with just a lick of my favorite food, which I didn’t commit. And of course, it went on, and in dreams you never find yourself stuffed to a painful extent – I just kept eating and eating and feeling great and loving it, albeit with a guilty conscience because all my GS friends thought I was abstinent when I wasn’t.

Sick, sick mind. I need to keep telling myself, I am a compulsive overeater. That’s what I am, and though I can’t control my subconscious, in my waking mind I can and will control this disease. Thank God I’m not a sleepwalker!!

Oh, and another thing: I find myself drinking (decaf) coffee, black, a lot. I never used to, but it’s almost like a crutch, something to “reward” myself for doing well with abstinence. (Coffee, to me, is a delicacy that I only have from time to time, usually I go with water). I don’t want to get into rewarding myself for being good with food by putting something else into my mouth… or am I being too hard on myself, and should take it easy until I’ve got 90 days under my belt? I’m not chewing gum, and I’m not having diet sodas (hate carbonated drinks) either, but I know coffee isn’t good for you. What do you think?

Thanks, and have a good abstinent day all,
Susanne

Day 5

Susanne here, compulsive overeater on day 5 of GS abstinence. If you’d have told me a week ago I’d be able to stick to something for THIS long (which is ridiculous, looking at people on here who have hundreds of days together), I’d have laughed at you.

I went to three meetings over the weekend, Friday night, Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon. I feel it’s such a privilege to be able to meet with those wonderful people and listen to them share their stories so openly. Recognizing myself in those stories, too.

I’m not going to be able to make it to any meetings at all until Friday night, because my lunch break isn’t long enough for those meetings and I always have something at night. But, I make my phone calls, and I read on here which is tremendously helpful. I won’t eat NMW, which is a decision I made and that I won’t go back on. Just send any spare prayers my way, please… I’m a little scared, but definitely not as scared as I was of the weekend. Weekends used to be my binge days, during the week I usually do quite well.

Just today – as every single DARN day since I’ve started, and it’s only been 5 of them – I faced a major temptation. At work, I was given food by a co-worker because I’d done her a favor last week. So she went out and got me really good sweet food. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it – bring it to my roommates, who would have loved that? Not a bad idea, but it would have meant that I’d have to carry the food with me the entire day today. Plus, what if they don’t eat it all tonight? Then I’d be faced with the same temptation again tomorrow morning. Nah… I didn’t want to get into such dangerous waters. So I opened the food, put it all on a plate, and left it at my desk (I’m the receptionist) for anyone to have. Needless to say, people loved it!! The food, which usually isolates me from others, in this instance became actually a social thing, a way for me to connect with my coworkers. I just told them I’m not a sweets person, that I was given the food but didn’t like it. Riiiiiiight… but it worked!

You know what, for me and so far, the best part of this program is? It’s the peace of mind. I don’t have to plan my menu for the day, because I’ve already done so yesterday. I spend maybe 10 minutes planning out what I’m going to have the next day, and then after I’ve committed it to my sponsor, there are no changes. Nothing to obsess, worry, or think about. I know I’m going to be filled, but not stuffed with my food, and food seems to begin to fade in importance to its proper position – eat to live, not the other way round.

I sure realize I’m a looooooong way from any milestone, but for me right now, every day is one.

Have a good day… and I’ll be checking in here daily, since I can’t make it to meetings.
Susanne