Interesting thought, about the mortar. So many things I do in terms of “spirituality” don’t take the form of set prayer. The way I interact with God is often simply a willigness to be open, to be guided, and to hear – while doing all kinds of other things. Another thing I consider spiritual is the fact that I do try to test everything I do against what I understand to be God’s will: submission.
The irony here is that others seem to look at my “outside” and think I’m very godly, and yes it’s true that my entire life is really about God, in the big things. My job, my social circle, the things I do: always with God in mind. But I don’t consider that spirituality. Those are the rocks, the stones, which have to be of good quality too – can’t have just mortar. It’s that mortar, the inner relationship, which only I know and which others can’t judge, and where I know I fall short (of my own desires – of the way I want to be).
And that’s really where honesty comes in – I can’t have spirituality, which I see as peace, if I’m scheming and having to hold the ropes together like a spider if I’ve woven a web of deception, however unimportant an issue it’s about. Deceiving others, and even myself, is stressful because it disturbs my peace, it keeps coming back into my thoughts, and I can’t let go. I think that’s why abstinence works for me, I’m just honest with my sponsor about my food and then I don’t have to think about it. If I was dishonest, even in a small way, I wouldn’t be able to get food thoughts (about that particular thing, and then probably about all kinds of things) out of my head!
I have this peace with food, thanks to our program. I also have this peace in the big issues of my life, because they are out in the open, I have brought them to trusted people and there is no lying about my big issues and/or my past (5th step work, really). However, where I stumble is the little things, unimportant and – worse – unnecessary. For example, if I don’t want to go somewhere I might say I have another engagement when I don’t. Why didn’t I just say I don’t want to go? I don’t know. Those little things are silly to lie about, but whether a lie is big or small it still makes me feel like a liar and gives me a fear of being found out. So I lose my peace.
That’s where I’m at today… I need to address honesty in the little things.