Monthly Archives: June 2005

Out for Creation!

This is my last post before the camping trip – can’t wait! My food is committed and packed, I have my phone with me (on the off chance… well you never know!), and I’m really ready to have a wonderful time. I feel like I’ve prepared as well as I possibly could, which is a great feeling.

Can’t wait to get out there! Have I actually mentioned what this trip is all about? It’s not an individual trip, but rather a *huge* deal, five days of Christian music, teaching, etc. in the middle of nowhere in PA, me and 65,000 other people.

I KNOW it’s going to be awesome. Can’t wait!! (leaving tomorrow 5:30am…)

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Accountability to outsiders

I happen to know that today is Day 99 because my calendar tells me that I’ll have 100 days tomorrow. Yes, I quit counting days, but I’ve marked the 100-day anniversaries in my calendar. So, I will celebrate tomorrow!

If I get the chance, that is. Life is hectic this week: I have a meeting tonight about the camping trip, which is to start on Wednesday (and I’m still frantically running through various restaurants/fast food places in search of fat in packets, but they don’t seem to do that any more – there’s just big tubs where you can get a portion into a paper cup!). I’m both apprehensive about the trip and looking forward to it! I’ve never been camping before, so I can only hope that I’m not forgetting something (non-food) that’s vitally important. The bug spray is packed.

I find myself “coming out” to more and more people now. Maybe it’s because I now have some distance between the disease and me, just in terms of time. I haven’t been active in a while, the shame is lessening, especially as I continue to learn and internalize that it’s not my flawed character, but a very real disease. So now I’ve been telling some of my friends at church, and I think this will keep me accountable. I never used to want accountability with the people around me, I’d rather they not know what was going on, so if I went off whatever diet program I was on, they wouldn’t know. Now I’m finding security in having others know that I do have a problem and that if I take a bite of something I’m offered, then something is very wrong. They know that, now.

Have a wonderful abstinent day, all – tomorrow will be the last time I post because I’m going camping early Wednesday morning. 🙂

Some things I can’t do

I went to the doctor’s today, to get the pill because of the terrible cramps I get every month (I think I’ve whined enough on here…lol). In this country, they always seem to check your blood pressure and weight, no matter what kind of doctor they are – that’s not the case where I’m from. This is my first doctor’s visit since I got abstinent, so I called my sponsor to ask what to do in case they wanted to weigh me. She said to just ask them not to tell me, and look away from the scale.

Well, at the doc’s office, I was asked to go to the restroom for a urine sample and weigh mySELF. Now… I suppose I could have. Part of me wanted to, and it’s only seven days to go to the next WI anyway, and so on. But it’s just not ok for me – so I actually said to the receptionist, could someone please weigh me, I’m managing an eating disorder. They were really supportive and later on a nurse weighed me – had me stand with my back to the scale – and I felt great for having spoken up about it. Learning to take care of myself means, for me, to recognize that I’m sometimes NOT capable of doing something, even trivial things.

Oh, and am I ever managing an eating disorder here! Especially today: it’s the last day of school. There is food aplenty in our little admin kitchen, leftovers and gifts from students and teachers. German sweets (I would binge on American ones when I’m already on a binge, but they wouldn’t even tempt me to start out with… except for American frozen ones, they’re terrible). Not just that, but the kind that’s most luxurious and expensive, it’s all right there in the kitchen. Temptation is tangible. But temptation isn’t failure, I’m abstinent, and even if I do want these sweets – no denying that – I don’t want what comes with them. Since I can only have a package deal (sweets & binge & pain & horror) but not just one of them, I’d rather not. Because the sweet taste stays in my mouth for maybe a minute or two, but what ensues will stick with me for weeks and weeks. I don’t believe I would have the strength to come back the next day after a binge – for this COE, it would be weeks or months. *Staying* abstinent is the easy way for me.

So I’m going to say, I won’t eat any of the stuff that’s in the kitchen, no thank you sir. Not worth it.

Failure

I read something the other day that spoke SO profoundly to me that I felt I really wanted to remember this… if it helps one person who struggles, that’ll be awesome. It’s this quote:

“FAILURE IS AN EVENT, NEVER A PERSON.”

I thought this was huge. I see many people struggle on the Greynet, and it’s all I can do to thank my HP for giving me the willingness other people just can’t seem to get. I’m on my knees with gratefulness. But for those who are struggling, I hope that you can keep this in mind. I know more than well enough the way my own mind will condemn me for things, make me feel like a failure.

Meeting Greysheeters

I just wanted to say how much I love the Greynet. Recently, there seem to be many struggling shares, which help support my abstinence by showing me where I would end up. Other shares, from long-timers, inspire and strengthen me, and teach me how to live a practical abstinent life. Living in an outpost as I do, the Greynet (along with the Phone bridge) is really my lifeline.

Though, of course, it’s a special treat when I do get to see other Greysheeters, like I did two weekends ago in NYC and again the other day. There are a few of them in this region (I’m still perplexed that there isn’t a Greysheet community in our nation’s capital!), but none live really close by. But I faithfully contact everyone I see posting from VA or MD, in hopes of finding someone to have a face-to-face meeting with. It’s the greatest thing to meet somebody whose life you know about by their shares on the Greynet – to finally see them!

Bakery Shop

This week is very hectic at work. I work for a school, and this is the last week, so we’re having “Project week” – students have chosen a project they will be working on the entire week. Examples are beach volleyball, biking the Chesapeake & Ohio Canal, creating fashion, dance, woodworking, and so on. There’s one group that has “Sweets” as their theme; they will be using the kitchen tomorrow. My part in all this is documentation, as I am responsible for the website, so I go around and take as many pictures as I can. So today I had to come along with the “Sweets” group, as they went to a German bakery shop for a one-hour walkthrough.

What a time for a COE like me. Talk about walking into the lion’s den!

It was one hour of looking at, smelling, and (the others, not me!) tasting various products. Seeing how they are made. I concentrated very hard on taking good pictures. It wasn’t hell, but let me tell you, I certainly did need to actively control my mind. Being offered food over and over… not letting my mind or eyes stray and even for a second DESIRE this. Perhaps because of my difficult childhood, I have a real skill of diverting my mind when I need to, but I have to be willing to do it. Thank goodness that for today, I was, and I came out of there unbruised and happy and abstinent. And most importantly, not resenting.

I really look forward to my abstinent lunch. 🙂

GS foods & relating to my father

I’ve decided to quit counting days (that helps me in my mind to drive home the accomplishment of 90 days, and that I have now entered a whole new “Phase 2” – the phase of being able to serve!). From now on, it’s dates. Like, tomorrow being 3 months. Woo hoo!

I still get up in the mornings looking forward to my breakfast. Which is the same thing I’ve eaten for months now. It’s so funny – I love my food, and I’m allowed to! This morning I shook up my routine a little, prepared breakfast before my reading and prayer, but I found that while the food sat there I really couldn’t concentrate, I wanted the food too much! *Laughs* I just don’t get bored of it.

Breakfast is my favorite food of the day, so I don’t mess around with it, but now I find myself trying out new things for the other two meals. There are some vegetables on the Greysheet that I have never cooked with or eaten before, because they aren’t common back in Europe where I’m from. I had no idea what to do with them, so I asked around a little, found out that they were incredibly easy to work with, and tried a certain kind of them last night. And I love it! So, this non-cook is venturing out carefully. 😉 This Greysheet has such a wide range of foods!
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