Monthly Archives: May 2005

Day 72: NYC soon

I’ll just claim my seat for today. In two weeks, I’m going up to NYC for a friend’s wedding – just for the weekend of June 11 – and I hope to be able to make it to a meeting. Would love to see if there’s anyone I recognize from my short stunt at GS in spring ’04 – I’m sure the old timers will be around. In any case, it would be so great to be at a f2f meeting again!

So, fingers crossed for that weekend.

Other tidbit for today: I’m hungry again. *sigh* and quite apprehensive about tomorrow, that is, weigh-in day! I don’t feel like I’ve lost anything, and my clothes fit normally. *double-sigh* Well I can’t do anything about either one of those right now, so I’m just offering both these issues up to God and the Greynet.

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Day 68: 22 more days, so…?

It was funny when my sponsor today asked me what day I was on and I told her and said, only 22 more days to 90! What struck me as funny about that was how easy 22 more days seemed. Early in abstinence, every day was such a struggle and days just didn’t seem to go by, my abstinence seemed like this loooooong, sloooooow stretch of time… and now it’s just happening, days string together all by themselves, I’m not sitting and waiting but I’m out doing things! 22 days, early on, seemed like an eternity… now I’m like, they’re just around the corner!

By the grace of God, though… it’s still a day at a time, and all I’m saying is that I will be abstinent TODAY, no matter what. Let tomorrow take care of itself.

Day 67: My car, again

This morning, on the way to work, my car ran out of gas. Now this is the second time in about a month that I’ve had to call roadside assistance (I live in the middle of nowhere, there’s NO WAY I could have walked to get gas) – what a nuisance! That was my first thought. While I was waiting, though (about 30 minutes) people were going by, not many because this is a country back road, but maybe about one car every 30 seconds. I was amazed at the number of people who stopped and asked if there was anything they could help me with! There wasn’t, but just the helpfulness and willingness of random people… was very nice.

That aside, today is a good day (welcome back, sun!), and I look forward to Saturday, when I’ll go flying! Three friends of mine got together and one teacher at my school is a hobby pilot who’ll fly us around the area at cost. Can’t wait for that!

Day 66: Disease Blessings

It occurred to me that my disease is a blessing to me. Well-disguised, mind you, but the longer I’m abstinent the more blessings I see that I wouldn’t have if I didn’t have the disease along with its solution, the Greysheet.

This statement may have raised a few eyebrows, I know… let me count the blessings, so to speak.

1 – Life is simple.
Unlike “normal” people, I have a solution to absolutely EVERYTHING in my life: weigh and measure my food. Whatever the disaster is, whatever the problem or difficulty, the decision, the pressure – the answer to is is, weigh and measure.
Normal people have to stress about things like that, they have so many
options and ways to cope, but my life is simple. As long as I weigh and measure, all the rest falls into place.

2 – Me, self-discipline?
I’m not, by nature, self-disciplined. While there certainly is a physical aspect to this disease, I know that I can also binge on GS-legal foods, which has no physical addiction properties. This leads me to conclude that mentally, I simply lack self-discipline – and not just in the food! – and you know what? I do now.
Whatever I may feel inside, I am perfectly disciplined “on the outside” (in my actions, where it counts!) with my food. Again, if I didn’t have this disease, I could never narrow down all my problems into one channel and then just take care of that one thing. I have the disease, so I can. My solution to the disease is a solution to my entire life.

While there are many more blessings I get out of Greysheet, these two are the ones I feel I only get because I have the disease in the first place. Life is so simple because I do, it would be so complicated if I had to find and work out a new solution to every problem.

Day 65: Luxuries

I’m just going to claim my seat today. Nothing new has happened, I’m back at work and into the daily grind. Happy to be abstinent.

Last week, when I saw one of my New York friends again, she challenged me on how I don’t take much care with my appearance. I mean, I do the basics (I’m not dirty or anything), but the concept of treating myself to things seems so… unnecessary, if you will. To do things for myself, just because I enjoy them, doesn’t naturally occur to me. So, because she said that, I went and had a manicure on Sunday (my first ever!). Today is Tuesday and I’m still all excited about my pretty nails now! That was a good investment.

Day 64: After the Toronto LTT

I’m back!

Toronto was a-w-e-s-o-m-e. An incredible trip: abstinent! I came back and still fit into my jeans (well, perhaps they’re a bit looser even). I have found that everyone I came in touch with was amazingly cooperative and supportive – I was hosted privately, so I had told my host (who I’d never met before) to please not cook anything for me, and only get me salad vegetables if she wanted to. But I was prepared to have all my meals from what I took with me. When I got there, the first thing my host did was take me grocery shopping, so I could choose my fresh food myself!

***By the way, note to anyone who’s planning a trip to Canada: they have flavored waters like we do, but they’re NOT SUGAR FREE!! I habitually check all labels, but with this one I really didn’t suspect anything, as they look exactly like the sugar-free waters we get here. Thank goodness I checked!!***

Then the entire week… I had clarity, I was fully there, because food was in its proper place. There was quite a bit of compulsive eating going on around me, or perhaps it only seems so to me, but I wasn’t part of it: I always carried in my own food. That’s why I could form new friendships, meet new people, be truly present around my friends. Since this was a church conference, I also found that I was more open to God (as I understand Him) than ever – food gives me that clarity – and because I can focus and concentrate and really listen, I feel like I’ve been catapulted to an entirely new level with God. There was much emotional healing this week, which I didn’t even specifically ask for… anyway, an awesome week.

I was worried that I might have trouble once I get back, because I’d relax my hold on abstinence – I’m one of those people who often get through difficult situations well, but then binge later (i.e. the day after Christmas) – but I found that when I got home, I was immediately back into the routine I had established before, and today I’m back to work the first day and abstinence is still my #1 priority.

It’s good to be back, friends! I hope you had a wonderful week as well, and stay abstinent today, as I will… no matter what.

Day 54: Preparing for Toronto

I will quite likely not have any opportunities to post next week, at all. I’ll be in Toronto the entire week, at a conference, and I can’t even tell whether I’ll be able to make it to any phone bridge meetings. Of course I’ll still connect to my sponsor. I go into this as prepared as can be, and of course, committed. I must not break my precious abstinence, come what may.

Abstinence has given me so many things that there is no way I would want to jeopardize it. I thank God for this community, and I promise to make outreach calls whenever I can, whether I feel shaky or not. Today I’m thankful for the GS community, but also for:

  • being rid of 80% of yesterday’s cramping/pain
  • having a half-day today at work
  • spending the other half of the day on a fun trip with my colleagues
  • the fact that this trip begins with a potluck lunch (translation: I get to bring my own pre-weighed food without anyone raising their eyebrows!)
  • having found someone who will buy my bed for $150 tonight
  • being able to rent a car for a day in Toronto with those $150 (even though I *am* quite disgruntled that I have to pay $25 more than everyone else because I’ll only be 25 in October)
  • having found someone who will take care of my cat for that week
  • having lots of time tomorrow to pack for the trip
  • being able to go to said conference, I’m excited & can’t wait!!!

Many other things, these are just the highlights. I can appreciate all these things because I’m abstinent on the Greysheet, because even though I still might have all these things if I wasn’t abstinent, they would bring me no joy but only stress.