Monthly Archives: October 2006

The easier, softer way

I have committed my meals and I stick to them. Having said that, however, today isn’t easy. Somebody in the office brought in foods, and every time I have to walk past them I can’t seem to avert my eyes. They’re drawn. Of course I won’t eat those, but they set off the whole “woe is me” routine in my head.

Funny how I never used to seriously notice such foods when I had long-term abstinence. They just weren’t food to me. Now, on day 11, I’m having to relearn this – the fact that there simply IS NO debate in my head, because my commitment is made and I don’t revisit it. I had that then; when I let go of abstinence, I lost it, because everything was an option and I had to make decisions on the go. On Greysheet, I don’t make food decisions during the day as things present themselves. There simlpy are no decision to be made, therefore my life isn’t complicated by food.

I have made my decision to be abstinent, but the no-compromise, no-discussion mindset it something that comes out of back-to-back time… my subconscious simply learning through experience that no uncommitted (let alone non-Greysheet) food is even an option.

Now I know what the easier, softer way is for me: CONTINUOUS abstinence. It’s tough now, but if I tough it out, glorious freedom awaits again. I had it, and I have every reason to believe I’ll be given it again, one day at a time, as days accumulate. If this wouldn’t get easier, I’d never have the strength to do it! – But I know the reward of long-term abstinence. No starting/stopping/starting/stopping for me, that’d be suicidal.

My birthday gift

Susanne here, COE as ever, but abstinent today because I weigh my 3 meals off the CGS, commit them, and eat nothing else NMW. I thank God for the gift of abstinence.

It’s my birthday today, I’m 26.

10 days ago, I ate… no sugar, but nevertheless, I binged. The past six months have been leading up to this. I quit weighing my food in May, giving in to both pressure from others who saw Greysheet taking over my life, and to my own disease that told me I could now handle it.

For a while I was OK… but the mind games crept in slowly. My eating turned even more restrictive than Greysheet is. Portions grew. I began to fast first one meal, then two meals a day. I tried dieting again. I overate again, though I did stay away from sugar – I know better than to put that bullet in my head. In any case: old behaviours returned one at a time, slowly, subtly. In the end, ten days ago, I found myself in an old familiar place – eating desperately. I was finally ready to acknowledge my need for Greysheet again and for life.

This is my birthday gift to myself… abstinence! Day 9 today.

The best gift I can possibly give myself. I still have to face the people who love me, as I’ve been out of the country by myself, weighing and measuring in front of strangers – I returned yesterday and my loved ones haven’t yet seen me weigh my food. I haven’t told them I do it again, and I don’t know how to walk this road… all I know is that I need Greysheet no matter what.

I’ve learned my lessons. Not just about my compulsive overeating – my messed up mind – but also about why I eventually let go of over one year of back-to-back abstinence. The thing is that my loved ones were right in some ways: Greysheet wasn’t liberating me, it dominated my life. I spread myself too thin, trying to do too much, instead of simply LIVING – which is the very thing GS enables me to do! I had that kind of abstinence for the first nine months, glorious freedom, but then, things began to change and I was getting compulsive about GS. I have learned better now… Greysheet is my foundation, upon which I can build a sane life. But Greysheet is not the aim and extent of that life. This is my truth.

It’s good to be home. Good to be abstinent. As a fellow GS’er always says, “having fun in abstinence”.