Sadly this morning, my sponsee hasn’t called. I’m worried. But I can make nobody be abstinent – all I can do is be there with my experience, strength, and hope. God has to do the rest.
I am grateful that God has done for me what I couldn’t do for myself. I am abstinent and life is good. Summer is coming and I don’t have to sweat and hide and jiggle when I walk. I just have such a positive outlook on life now!
And that’s even if a kitchen assistant looked at me like I came from another planet when, yesterday at a conference in London, I asked for my food to be warmed up. She said, “But we have all those special diet options!” and I said, “I’m safer bringing my own food. I will eat it cold if I have to, but I’d rather have it warm. Please could you microwave it?” and eventually she did. What’s that to me? Nothing at all!
My life is awesome. I’m abstinent. Thank God.
I am an addict. I know it and I’m taking action about it. The Big Book tells me that the answer is found mostly in *serving* OTHERS rather than myself. Praying for OTHERS rather than myself. Concerning myself about OTHERS rather than focussing on MY needs, MY wants, MY preferences.
That is how those first alcoholics got sober. They served and focused on God and other alcoholics. That was their recovery, the essence of their recovery. I feel that sometimes I get concerned with “my recovery” as such, analyzing my behaviour, analyzing my needs, but I don’t see any of that in the Big Book. Pop psychology is not helping me.
- “As an addict in recovery, I need” nice people around me. The Big Book says to pray for those I get upset with.
- “As an addict in recovery, I need” my relationships to be smooth. The Big Book tells me to keep my side of the street clean.
- “As an addict in recovery, I need” to be taken into consideration.
- “I need”
- “I need”
That’s me. But I don’t think that’s my recovery speaking – that’s the kind of self-centered thinking that got me here in the first place, the food itself was just the symptom (it could just as well have been drugs or alcohol; it’s the personality).
The one thing “I need” is to learn to let go of me, me, me and actively seek to serve others, to actively turn the other cheek, to adjust my attitude rather than judging people or even walking away from relationships because “my needs” aren’t being met.
There’s balance, of course, I’m not meant to become a masochist and I know that. But my recovery, I believe, is found in looking OUT, not IN. Grateful to be abstinent today. Only because the food is down, I get to work on those issues.
I’m so thankful for all the things GS enables me to do and to have. The wonderful relationship with my wise sponsor. The growing relationship with my sponsee. Both these relationships bring me so much joy, in different ways. And they keep things real.
I’m so thankful I have a life now that sometimes get so busy I feel like a headless chicken running around. But I never forget to eat.
I’m so, so thankful that I don’t think about food the way I used to. I love food but now I’m not destroying myself with it. In fact I’m allowed to love my food, I can feel good about loving my food, I can enjoy and appreciate it and there is NO reason to feel bad about that! My food rocks!
I’m thankful that by being on Greysheet, I am open to relationships in my life: I’m not lying to anyone, I’m not hiding, I’m transparent and out in the open – which I have learned is a prerequisite for having real relationships. Guess what, I never knew that before. Masks are coming off, slowly, in my relationships, because the one thing I was always hiding (the food) is gone and all the things that hid underneath it are coming out, and they’re all NOT AS BAD as I thought!
Believe it or not, I think I’m beginning to feel I have value… I may, after all, be lovable… I may, after all, not be repulsive… when that boulder of the food moved away and the sun shone on what was under it, I found that there was stuff, but there weren’t any more big boulders like the food! Revelation!
I struggle to find time to write to Greynet these days. I know I need to be more diligent about that. But that struggle only illustrates all the things I am thankful for… my life’s filled with things OTHER than food!