Monthly Archives: April 2004

Relapsed

This is the day I relapsed – I’m posting this just to mark the day.

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NMW solved – relief!

Thank you so much [sic] and [sic] for your support… I suppose we’ve all had our NMW’s… my particular one, though, is resolved!

God heard and answered my prayer for a miracle. My wallet is back, no money is lost (there wasn’t any in there anyway), all is well.

And, guess what – my first thought was food! (as a celebration, perhaps?) – if I needed any more confirmation about how sick my mind is in terms of food, I sure have it now.

Just wanted to give that quick heads up and let everyone know things are okay. I’m on day 14, and even though I’m guzzling diet coke like crazy now, I’m still abstinent by the grace of God.

A big N-M-W!

Susanne here, two weeks abstinent today, grateful too. Still W&M’ing 3 meals off the GS and committing them.

Boy, am I wanting to eat today. And yesterday. I lost my wallet, with everything in it – cards, driving license, social security card – everything. What’s worse, is that most of my bank cards are from my home bank in Austria, and there blocking a card is much, much more difficult. You need a police report filed that you’ve lost it, and you need to go there in person, and there’s no way I can do that. I just called them and blocked it for today (one day is possible), then I’ll need to call again tomorrow and see what we can do. There’s fees ahead, and I have no cash or money in the bank to begin with. My savings at this point total just under $400, and that’s in a bank account I can’t reach.

As for my US account, I called them and they’d be able to get me a new card by tomorrow if I were able to produce two proofs of ID, which I’m not as all of that was in my wallet. I only have my passport right now. So since I can’t give them the ID, they’ll mail the new card to me and it won’t be here until April 14. How will I live until then???

This isn’t just frustrating, it’s difficult. How will I get new bank cards from home? How will I survive the next 7 days without cash? I haven’t even begun to think about getting a new driver’s license yet, it’s the same procedure back home… police report to file, personally go there, bring photo and ID, etc etc – none of which I can do. I can’t go home now, because I don’t have any vacation days left plus I couldn’t afford the trip to begin with anyway.

You have no idea how enticing the thought of numbing myself with food is right now. Numbing myself, blocking out the problem, with just about anything in fact – wouldn’t have to be food, necessarily, I’d take just about anything right now. I’m not a drinker, but a smoke sounds just lovely right now. Though I consciously know that I can’t knock myself out at this crucial time, that I need to be in this and organize my stuff, escape sounds so tempting. And yet, I won’t. I’ve got my wonderful sponsor behind me.

But right now, all I want to do is cry and plead with God to produce a miracle and get the wallet back to me. It’s no use. I’m at work and trying desperately to smile at people (I’m the receptionist).

Sponsor change

Susanne here, abstinent and exceedingly grateful, on day 12 today. I weigh and measure 3 meals a day off the GS, commit them to my sponsor, and don’t eat in between NMW. Abstinence is the most important thing in my life today.

A dozen days! You’ve got to be kidding me… ME? Ever?? Days have a way of accumulating whether you’re bingeing or doing the right thing, I suppose. One bite turned into a day binge, which turned into weeks and months, so I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that it also works the other way round, just way more constructively. There’s work involved, but it’s so worthwile. I haven’t respected myself this much in years, and I’ve never been so thankful to the Lord. I can’t begin to pray and thank enough, even if I made that a full-time job!

A lot of things have happened in those days. I haven’t emailed the Greynet in about five days, so let’s catch up… went to meetings on the weekend, connecting some more with the wonderful fellowship of GS. I lost my sponsor, too – she left me a message, and the first time around I wasn’t really concentrating and my heart sank… I thought she was telling me she was bumping me back to day one. (That day, I hadn’t reached her live and left her a voicemail with my food, and then called another qualified person to commit my food). I had to listen again, and in fact it was her who was bumped back – I later spoke with her, and I think she’s fairly okay, w&m’ing again. I’ll see her tomorrow night.

This is just such a sad thing to see… but an inspiration also, because knowing myself, if I were to be bumped back to day one, I’d have a serious battle with “what’s the use”-thoughts… as in, now I’ve been provided an excuse to binge until I’m desperate enough again to start fresh. Sick thinking, but I know my twisted mind. So to see her bounce back like that is very inspiring.

I’ve found a new sponsor now, with who I also really connect and for who I have a lot of respect. So things have worked out well.

In other news… I’ve been battling food thoughts severely for the past few days, and yesterday finally figured out why – duh! It’s that time of the month. I always used to eat before and during. As a matter of fact it’s remarkable that I’ve been able to stick to GS throughout – purely by the Grace of God, not me. No matter how well I’ve done on diets in the past, that time was always the end. But GS isn’t a diet, it’s life – and all the fellowship, I just couldn’t face my sponsor or the people I’ve met in person if I were to give in. GS works, it truly does.

Which is why I’ve signed up for the Chicago retreat, yay! Sending out my check today. I can’t say I can afford the trip, but hey, it’s a couple of months to go and until then I’ll figure out a way. There has to be one, HAS to.

Thank you all for your support and also for the journaling emails – lots of inspiration in there, I think I’ll start doing that! And everyone, please keep the email shares coming.