Monthly Archives: July 2010

Day 34, serenity anyway

I had a string of misfortunes today. It’s a beautiful, sunny Sunday here and I decided to cycle to church rather than drive. I have just got this new bike and have never tried the footpaths to go to church – but I do have a rambler’s map. So off I went this morning, through fields and footpaths (and nettles) and ended up losing a screw on my bike. Also, the footpaths on my map are obviously meant for ramblers, not for cyclists: totally overgrown, often near impossible to pass with a bike… so when that screw came off I decided it wasn’t going to work, and headed back towards town – on roads. In town I went to the bike shop where I got it and they fixed it for free.

Upon going into the bike shop I tried to switch glasses (I have prescription sunglasses) and a screw was off on my regular glasses, so one arm fell off. Luckily I was already in town, so was able to go to the opticians where I got my glasses and they fixed them, for free again.

All of this is to say: this is what happened between breakfast and lunch. It certainly was inconvenient. I wasn’t happy these things happened but they never disturbed my inner peace. No anxiety… just doing the next right thing. After all that, I went back home and enjoyed a beautiful, committed lunch.

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Day 30, vigilance

I had a crisis this morning. With my sponsor being away for a few weeks, I had arranged with another Greysheeter to sponsor me temporarily for the duration. While I normally call my sponsor around noontime, this Greysheeter asked me to call in the morning. Not a problem; I noted it, confirmed it with her, put it in my diary and thought of it before going to bed last night. Then I woke up, carried out my morning routine without thinking, and had a start at 9am (long after when I should have called) when I realised I had forgotten!!!

My abstinence is very young. I can’t afford to take things easy, not now, not ever; I did manage to find another Greysheeter to commit my food to at 9am and I can say that I’m abstinent today, but whoa. I did think about what if I have to go back to Day 1, and the honest answer is… I would do it. And I wouldn’t binge just because it’s Day 1 anyway. Having had a taste of abstinence again, I want nothing more than to keep it – but I do have to be vigilant.

Day 24, fears and insecurity

This morning I weighed in about 4 lbs. down from when I started. Unprecedented loss! – but fair enough, I was bloated on sugar when I started. I’m not expecting this rate to continue, nice as it would be.

Yesterday was a day filled with fears and insecurity. I feel insecure at work, which I haven’t for a very long time, and I worry. I fear not being taken seriously as I work alongside a very experienced person who is my senior in every way (experience, age) but we are equals on the same team. I feel undermined, since he has come in a month ago he has hit the ground running and done incredibly well. He is extremely professional. I feel amateurish and clumsy in comparison. My reaction has been to retreat and hide, instead of stepping up my own efforts – instead of trying harder, I waste time on the Internet and don’t get my own work done because I fear it will not be good enough! Obviously that’s the exact wrong thing to do. But I cannot help it.

Every evening as I take my inventory I write down this worry and my wasting working time, which eats away at my sense of integrity. I am new to this level of seniority and have made beginner’s mistakes; yesterday I had a meeting with the CEO and the Operations Director, which I initiated and thought was very important, but I got a sense that they felt I was wasting their time. That may be a correct perception or not, but in any case, it eats away at me and I worry. Today I had an email from my line manager saying that he was unhappy with the way I handled the recruitment of my and my coworker’s assistant (we made our choice and announced it; my line manager would have wanted to be informed first, and consulted). We will talk about this on Monday. On the upside, I feel secure enough in my job not to be fatalistic (i.e. I’m not afraid of being fired for this) but adding all the little mistakes up I am very afraid of becoming sidelined over time and passed over.

I don’t know how much of that fear is unfounded. In any case, the worry is not getting me anywhere and the fear and insecurity is not helping me either. Being abstinent means I cannot flee into the food and I have to deal with these feelings and the real life around me – which is entirely a good thing! But it is painful as well.