Monthly Archives: March 2004

One week, hungry

thank you all so much for the support. It’s not just that I can post my daily struggles on here, but I know that people actually read them (because I know I read *all* posts) and even reply with their experience, strength and hope. Thank you so much.

Today I’m completing my first ever abstinent week! Thanks to the grace of God I’m abstinent today, measuring 3 meals a day off the GS, and making abstinence the most important thing in my life. I’m excited! Had you told me I’d be able to not stuff my face with sugar/carb food for an entire WEEK, a month ago I’d have sadly told you you’re crazy. But here I am today! Wow…

However, today I’m not doing all that well. Sure, I do stick to the 3 meals and all the rest, but I’m hungry. I was hungry yesterday, too. I wake up hungry even though I don’t have dinner until 10pm, then I’m hungry long before lunch, and then it’s forever until dinner. And of course, the portions are more like teasers than real fillers. I’m unsatisfied, to be frank.

I’m having as substantial meals as possible off the GS, just your basic meat and cooked veggies. But I watch my colleagues at work have their salads, AFTER I finished my lunch, and I’m still hungry and could eat their food. I figured I’d give myself half an hour after lunch to get the “full” feeling, I know that’s a delayed function, but it’s just not coming. I fill up on diet sodas (which I don’t actually like, but they stick around longer than water does) and I know that’s not good.

*sigh* hanging in there, but not very happy,
Susanne

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Dreams

Susanne here. I’m a compulsive overeater, who’s been measuring and weighing 3 meals a day off the GS for 6 days now. I make abstinence the most important thing in my life today.

Apparently, though, my subconscious mind isn’t.

I’ve got to tell you about last night – I dialed into my first phone meeting yesterday, which I found awesome. I won’t be able to make it to any meetings until Friday, and I’m still in week one, so thanks to Cindy who sent me the phone numbers I can now at least attend the phone meetings. Well, I went to bed soon after the meeting, and dreamt… about food!

You wouldn’t believe how detailed that dream was. I dreamed I had (and this is hard to explain without naming the food, but I’ll try) somehow been given this food, and if I only licked it, I wouldn’t have to commit it to my sponsor and would still be officially abstinent. It went on from there – what foods could I sneak in, all without breaking my official abstinence, and since my sponsor can’t be there and look over my shoulder at all times anyway, why should I report to her that I failed? So I kept going “officially” abstinent and eating that food, which happens to be my favorite binge food.

When I woke up this morning, I was convinced I had done something wrong yesterday. You know how you sometimes can’t tell if you dreamed something or if it was real? I had to go back to my diary and read the plan I’d made and go through my day before I was convinced I hadn’t lost my abstinence. It’s amazing how strong the subconscious can be. I was frightened, and even though I wasn’t tempted to eat anything other than my GS breakfast, this dream made it very clear to me how easily I could lose my abstinence. It started with just a lick of my favorite food, which I didn’t commit. And of course, it went on, and in dreams you never find yourself stuffed to a painful extent – I just kept eating and eating and feeling great and loving it, albeit with a guilty conscience because all my GS friends thought I was abstinent when I wasn’t.

Sick, sick mind. I need to keep telling myself, I am a compulsive overeater. That’s what I am, and though I can’t control my subconscious, in my waking mind I can and will control this disease. Thank God I’m not a sleepwalker!!

Oh, and another thing: I find myself drinking (decaf) coffee, black, a lot. I never used to, but it’s almost like a crutch, something to “reward” myself for doing well with abstinence. (Coffee, to me, is a delicacy that I only have from time to time, usually I go with water). I don’t want to get into rewarding myself for being good with food by putting something else into my mouth… or am I being too hard on myself, and should take it easy until I’ve got 90 days under my belt? I’m not chewing gum, and I’m not having diet sodas (hate carbonated drinks) either, but I know coffee isn’t good for you. What do you think?

Thanks, and have a good abstinent day all,
Susanne

Day 5

Susanne here, compulsive overeater on day 5 of GS abstinence. If you’d have told me a week ago I’d be able to stick to something for THIS long (which is ridiculous, looking at people on here who have hundreds of days together), I’d have laughed at you.

I went to three meetings over the weekend, Friday night, Saturday afternoon and Sunday afternoon. I feel it’s such a privilege to be able to meet with those wonderful people and listen to them share their stories so openly. Recognizing myself in those stories, too.

I’m not going to be able to make it to any meetings at all until Friday night, because my lunch break isn’t long enough for those meetings and I always have something at night. But, I make my phone calls, and I read on here which is tremendously helpful. I won’t eat NMW, which is a decision I made and that I won’t go back on. Just send any spare prayers my way, please… I’m a little scared, but definitely not as scared as I was of the weekend. Weekends used to be my binge days, during the week I usually do quite well.

Just today – as every single DARN day since I’ve started, and it’s only been 5 of them – I faced a major temptation. At work, I was given food by a co-worker because I’d done her a favor last week. So she went out and got me really good sweet food. I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it – bring it to my roommates, who would have loved that? Not a bad idea, but it would have meant that I’d have to carry the food with me the entire day today. Plus, what if they don’t eat it all tonight? Then I’d be faced with the same temptation again tomorrow morning. Nah… I didn’t want to get into such dangerous waters. So I opened the food, put it all on a plate, and left it at my desk (I’m the receptionist) for anyone to have. Needless to say, people loved it!! The food, which usually isolates me from others, in this instance became actually a social thing, a way for me to connect with my coworkers. I just told them I’m not a sweets person, that I was given the food but didn’t like it. Riiiiiiight… but it worked!

You know what, for me and so far, the best part of this program is? It’s the peace of mind. I don’t have to plan my menu for the day, because I’ve already done so yesterday. I spend maybe 10 minutes planning out what I’m going to have the next day, and then after I’ve committed it to my sponsor, there are no changes. Nothing to obsess, worry, or think about. I know I’m going to be filled, but not stuffed with my food, and food seems to begin to fade in importance to its proper position – eat to live, not the other way round.

I sure realize I’m a looooooong way from any milestone, but for me right now, every day is one.

Have a good day… and I’ll be checking in here daily, since I can’t make it to meetings.
Susanne

First meeting yesterday

I wanted to thank everyone who has welcomed me, I felt so relieved to be among people who know what it feels like – and even if I haven’t yet had a chance to get back to you, thank you for welcoming me here. It was those emails that gave me the courage to go to a meeting last night, even though I was 15 minutes late (thanks, MTA) and had to walk for what seemed like a mile through a church hall to get to that meeting.

All day Tuesday and yesterday I’ve been reading, both on greysheet.org and on aa.org (they have the Big Book online!), nodding my head in recognition of the despair and the symptoms of addicts as I was stuffing my face. Food in hand, I wholeheartedly agreed with everything that was said on those pages. So when I came to that meeting, it wasn’t with even a day of abstinence… I came out of a binge right in there, and saw those ladies – it was a womens’ meeting – several of them downright skinny, and all with a peace about them that really impressed me. They’re taking this thing seriously, very much opposed to most “diet groups” I’ve seen in the past. They’re working hard on their lives, way beyond eating. Listening to them share bits of their lives was incredibly motivating, and made me realize that not only do I want this, I think I *can* do this! (think the Little Engine that Could – I think I can!)

Anyhow, after that meeting I found an available sponsor, was given a GS, and we went through today and what I was going to eat. I’m going to call her later today. I feel like I’ve been finally given the tools to be free, what an awesome feeling! I’m holding on to this for dear life now, and today for the first time ever I can say that I’m weighing and measuring 3 meals a day, and won’t eat in between no matter what.

Thanks all! I’ll stick around. 🙂
Susanne

New – and very humble

Hello, my name is Susanne and I’m a compulsive overeater, and I need help. I do not measure and weigh my food three times a day, because I’m really really new to all this and have yet to find a sponsor.

I’m 23 years old, working in Manhattan. Food has always been a struggle for me, and even when I wasn’t very overweight and more or less controlled my eating, bingeing was never far off the horizon. Right now, through the past year or so my eating has truly spiralled out of control (and obviously, so have my health and my weight).

Like probably most other people, I’ve been through several diet plans… Atkins, Weight Watchers, Veganism, you name it I tried it. I’m so fed up with it, and truly desperate at this point – which, I think, is probably a good thing for GS because I’ll take any and all advice I get and follow it religiously, because I see you long-timers experiencing true freedom. I want, I need that too. And I’m prepared to do whatever it takes!

The ironic thing, that’s been knocking at my subconscious all the time, is that almost 4 years ago I successfully quit smoking. Why can I do that, which is SO difficult, but can’t even discipline myself with simple food? Well, the truth is, I can’t, and rather than asking why I can’t I know now that I just need to act. And I’ll use the tools you guys are giving me. I’ve been reading the website, and I’m excited to start this journey!

Thanks, and I look forward to getting to know you all better,
Susanne