Dreams

Susanne here. I’m a compulsive overeater, who’s been measuring and weighing 3 meals a day off the GS for 6 days now. I make abstinence the most important thing in my life today.

Apparently, though, my subconscious mind isn’t.

I’ve got to tell you about last night – I dialed into my first phone meeting yesterday, which I found awesome. I won’t be able to make it to any meetings until Friday, and I’m still in week one, so thanks to Cindy who sent me the phone numbers I can now at least attend the phone meetings. Well, I went to bed soon after the meeting, and dreamt… about food!

You wouldn’t believe how detailed that dream was. I dreamed I had (and this is hard to explain without naming the food, but I’ll try) somehow been given this food, and if I only licked it, I wouldn’t have to commit it to my sponsor and would still be officially abstinent. It went on from there – what foods could I sneak in, all without breaking my official abstinence, and since my sponsor can’t be there and look over my shoulder at all times anyway, why should I report to her that I failed? So I kept going “officially” abstinent and eating that food, which happens to be my favorite binge food.

When I woke up this morning, I was convinced I had done something wrong yesterday. You know how you sometimes can’t tell if you dreamed something or if it was real? I had to go back to my diary and read the plan I’d made and go through my day before I was convinced I hadn’t lost my abstinence. It’s amazing how strong the subconscious can be. I was frightened, and even though I wasn’t tempted to eat anything other than my GS breakfast, this dream made it very clear to me how easily I could lose my abstinence. It started with just a lick of my favorite food, which I didn’t commit. And of course, it went on, and in dreams you never find yourself stuffed to a painful extent – I just kept eating and eating and feeling great and loving it, albeit with a guilty conscience because all my GS friends thought I was abstinent when I wasn’t.

Sick, sick mind. I need to keep telling myself, I am a compulsive overeater. That’s what I am, and though I can’t control my subconscious, in my waking mind I can and will control this disease. Thank God I’m not a sleepwalker!!

Oh, and another thing: I find myself drinking (decaf) coffee, black, a lot. I never used to, but it’s almost like a crutch, something to “reward” myself for doing well with abstinence. (Coffee, to me, is a delicacy that I only have from time to time, usually I go with water). I don’t want to get into rewarding myself for being good with food by putting something else into my mouth… or am I being too hard on myself, and should take it easy until I’ve got 90 days under my belt? I’m not chewing gum, and I’m not having diet sodas (hate carbonated drinks) either, but I know coffee isn’t good for you. What do you think?

Thanks, and have a good abstinent day all,
Susanne

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2 responses to “Dreams

  1. I don’t know if the coffee is a good thing, it can develop into an addiction and caffeine addiction is painful to break, but I’m no expert… if it helps then it might be fine. I do know what it is like to dream about binge eating. I had an insane dream about being at a buffet, and not even bothering with a plate… just going to tables of my fave foods and stuffing as much food in my face as I could. I noticed that your post is REALLY old…. Have you overcome your addiction? Did blogging about it help?

    • Hi Beth, thanks for your comment – you’ve found one of the oldest posts in my blog here, one of the first I ever made, that’s why it’s so old. I have continued to post on this blog all the way to October 2010. My journey has changed… have I overcome my addiction? I would say not, I have had to let go and surrender and acknowledge that I don’t have the strength to overcome it. I needed (and still need) God to do this for me.

      Blogging wasn’t actually what I did: all the posts in this blog are e-mails I sent to the Greynet, a mailing list of Greysheeters (can be found on http://groups.yahoo.com and searching for Greynet). I just collected them here in one place to chronicle my journey.

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