Recently, I spoke to a friend in programme who pointed out, quite rightly, that I am not at all in touch with my emotions. She said that I may have anger, buried deep down, that I just don’t know about. Now, I don’t know about anger, but I have definitely become very aware recently of one emotion that I just don’t know what to do with. It’s a desire to “rock the boat” – make a change; whatever change.
To put this in context: I’m not talking about changing my food. I am GS abstinent and by the grace of God, as long as I have a mind to think with, I will stay abstinent. It’s pretty much everything else I itch to change!
The thing is, there is absolutely nothing wrong and in fact, any change I could make would be for the worse: and when I sit down to actually think it through, I honestly and genuinely do not want to change. I don’t want to change jobs… yet I’m surfing job sites. I don’t want to move (in fact I can’t, not until summer, because I’m housesitting)… yet I’m checking out the papers. I don’t want to move away from here… yet I’m looking at job sites in foreign countries. In the future I may well want to do some of this, especially to move abroad, but at the moment I need to stay at my own job because
- I love it
- I’m finally getting some continuity into my CV – I’d never before been at a job for more than 1.5 years, and I’ve been here for over 2 years now
- I’m starting a Master’s study programme in May and the last thing I need is have a new job to come to grips with!
I really don’t understand myself, and that’s why I’m calling this an “emotion”. I’m not sure if it is one. But it simply makes no sense through reason. I have great people around me, friends, I have something to do almost every evening (unless I choose not to), my life is great and I’m happy. I look forward to the studies, to being able to complete them while working at a job I know well, and after those studies I know I can go wherever I like and do whatever I want. The irony is, I am doing what I want to do, right now! I’m not in the place I would choose to be, admittedly (don’t like the UK) but it’s not places but people that count, and those around me are wonderful. Besides, if I still feel the same way about the UK in two years’ time I can go wherever I like, with a good qualification!
Well, I don’t know. I really don’t. It may be that because the food is down, I recognise my pattern where before I just acted on it. But I thought that all this moving that I’ve done in the past, was certainly partly what AA’s call a “geographical” – trying to run away from my troubles. But I haven’t got any troubles now!
I just feel restless, locked in a routine, mediocre… however, I’m not eating.
Binge eating recovery journey 