My sponsor is challenging me. I don’t like to be treated like an addict, but she is quite right, I am one. She doesn’t expect me to tell the truth, so she checks and asks questions – which I don’t like as I feel like I’m not trusted. Then again, as an addict I am not to be trusted. Her treatment of me drives home to me the reality that I am not a rational person around food, and I do need to treat MYSELF as an addict who cannot be trusted. I have to build up a network of people because I need the accountability, not because I need a new set of friends.
When I was last abstinent, I reached 3 years, then I relapsed. (That I made a choice to quit Greysheet is completely irrelevant; it is a relapse) Why? Because I had not built up an adequate support network… and also, looking back now, because I looked at the support network as an optional extra, so long as I W/M’d my food I was abstinent so everything else was more of a chore, an intrusion into my busy life. The idea that it was vital and important wasn’t really there. There are many things I disagree with other GS’ers on, and many people in GS who I wouldn’t make close personal friends with. But, I know today that friendship is really beside the point: we are keeping each other from death; I don’t have to like you to save you from drowning… and vice versa.
Then again, there are lots of people in GS who I DO like and who I WOULD like to be friends with. But I often felt that I had so many commitments in my life already, the building of new friendships really wasn’t a priority. Again, with these people as well, the accountability / network is what counts, not the depth of any friendship. Friendships may develop, but they are not what outreach calls and phone meetings are about.
I have got to change my attitude. My sponsor makes me commit my community involvement when I give her my food – she wants to know which meetings I attend, and the outreach calls I make. She wants me to do as many F2F meetings as possible, which is difficult for me with many weekends taken up by work… which might mean I need to attend AA meetings in my town instead. Not something I like to do. But again, I have to adjust the attitude: this isn’t about socialising, meeting new people, having a good time: this is what I need to do to ensure I will never forget why I do GS. Because THAT, ultimately, is why I lost my abstinence after 3 years.