Day 24, fears and insecurity

This morning I weighed in about 4 lbs. down from when I started. Unprecedented loss! – but fair enough, I was bloated on sugar when I started. I’m not expecting this rate to continue, nice as it would be.

Yesterday was a day filled with fears and insecurity. I feel insecure at work, which I haven’t for a very long time, and I worry. I fear not being taken seriously as I work alongside a very experienced person who is my senior in every way (experience, age) but we are equals on the same team. I feel undermined, since he has come in a month ago he has hit the ground running and done incredibly well. He is extremely professional. I feel amateurish and clumsy in comparison. My reaction has been to retreat and hide, instead of stepping up my own efforts – instead of trying harder, I waste time on the Internet and don’t get my own work done because I fear it will not be good enough! Obviously that’s the exact wrong thing to do. But I cannot help it.

Every evening as I take my inventory I write down this worry and my wasting working time, which eats away at my sense of integrity. I am new to this level of seniority and have made beginner’s mistakes; yesterday I had a meeting with the CEO and the Operations Director, which I initiated and thought was very important, but I got a sense that they felt I was wasting their time. That may be a correct perception or not, but in any case, it eats away at me and I worry. Today I had an email from my line manager saying that he was unhappy with the way I handled the recruitment of my and my coworker’s assistant (we made our choice and announced it; my line manager would have wanted to be informed first, and consulted). We will talk about this on Monday. On the upside, I feel secure enough in my job not to be fatalistic (i.e. I’m not afraid of being fired for this) but adding all the little mistakes up I am very afraid of becoming sidelined over time and passed over.

I don’t know how much of that fear is unfounded. In any case, the worry is not getting me anywhere and the fear and insecurity is not helping me either. Being abstinent means I cannot flee into the food and I have to deal with these feelings and the real life around me – which is entirely a good thing! But it is painful as well.


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