Day 16, cravings

Sorry, I got my daycount wrong in previous emails, it’s day 16 today. Thank goodness my abstinence doesn’t depend on my math skills – as long as I can figure out that 4.0 means 4.0, 8.0 means 8.0, etc. then I’m OK.

And I am abstinent today: I have weighed my 3 meals off the CGS, written them down, committed them to my sponsor, and I eat nothing uncommitted, no matter what. That’s the most important thing.

I have such a craving for cigarettes. That is so odd because I gave up smoking almost exactly 10 years ago! Why it now rears its head… I haven’t had a single cigarette in those 10 years, but in the past three or four weeks I have really, really wanted to smoke. Why?! I didn’t feel that way when I initially got abstinent, or any time during abstinence. It could be that things became so desperately bad in my addictions during the last year or so that giving up one addiction re-triggers another… who knows?

It’s difficult to look through the past months and admit what kind of insanity it was. It was nuts, but somehow I convinced myself I was learning and growing and going somewhere. I was only going up in weight, but certainly wasn’t getting better at managing my food.

Here are some things I have done after leaving Greysheet after 3 years of abstinence (one observes an increase in insanity on this list)…

  • low carb
  • zero carb
  • hypnosis
  • chewing and spitting food back out (ugh)
  • doctor-supervised liquid diet (450 cals a day) – that lasted about a week
  • food delivery diet (cost: £1,000 for 5 months – I didn’t even do it for one month before I saw reason and returned to GS, so now I sell off the foods on eBay)

In between those dieting attempts, binges of ever increasing frequency and size. Misery. Fat. Bigger clothes. Defeat.

With that kind of insanity, I’m not surprised any and all addictions I have ever had come back up. I want to smoke today, but I still have this healthy fear of it: quitting was the hardest thing I have ever done and I’m afraid if I pick up even one, I will have them all back and I probably won’t have the strength to quit. That’s the only thing keeping me from going out to buy a pack right now. It wouldn’t be only one pack – it would be back to a pack a day, and at the prices here that would be at least £5/day, that’s £35 a week, that’s £140 a month that I don’t have.

More importantly though, today I don’t eat, no matter what. I suspect that picking up cigarettes could seriously endanger my abstinence as well, because my default mentality is “oh well, blew that, might as well blow everything else”. Can’t go there today.

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