A “red flag” happened yesterday with my sponsor. She pointed it out, and I’m now thinking about it: I’ve had a stern warning about the stability of my abstinence. Of course there’s a danger I’m aware of, in that I’ve had all this frustration with weight gain (although I have much more hope this month as my medication was changed), but I felt I needed to think about it more deeply and see if there’s anything below that. I would have thought that apart from the weight gain I’m fine, but AA has a handy acronym for that word… fearful, insecure, neurotic, emotional. Am I any of these? All of these?
F – Fearful. I’m fearful of… growing out of my clothes. But what’s behind that, underneath? I’m fearful of not looking good, of being the fat one in a crowd. I’m fearful of my greed, to be honest: despite having been abstinent for a while (or, as another GS’er I know who has over 30 years would say, “for about 20 minutes”) I’m so aware that I want more than I get. I want more food, always. And I know that if I start, I don’t stop because I want more and more… the whole bag, the whole crate, the truckload.
I – Insecure. Oh yes I’m insecure… with my weight gain, and parallel to that my coworker who I really don’t get along with has been on this crazy liquid diet and has lost so much she’s now thinner than I. Never mind that she has stomach problems and is losing hair so much it’s become visible, I am insecure and feel threatened. And envious!!! There is no rationality about that.
N – Neurotic. Am I? I don’t know… I don’t even really know what the word means.
E – Emotional. There’s been lots of emotion lately, with all that’s going on in my family; they are in a different country but I still care, and of course I visited only a couple of weeks ago. I can’t expect that not to affect me. Although I’m now much more hopeful about the situation as such, I know I’m involved and I’m emotional about it.
Here it is… there’s always more. I work this programme to the best of my ability.