There’s nothing I want more than abstinence

I’ve been thinking lately, about abstinence. My memory of active eating is fading into the distance… the pain of it has left, abstinence has given me a life and a body I can live with. I have problems, though:

  • my weight has gone up yet again. I am now almost 15 lbs. from goal.
  • after almost 60 days off sweeteners, late last month I picked them up again with a vengeance. A few days of chewing gum binges and misery followed. The gum is now down again (Day 5).
  • after a really busy period of sponsoring three people, I now have no sponsees – and it helps my abstinence to sponsor others.
  • last month I had to take the Pill back (because without it I have no cycles and that gets dangerous i.e. cancer). The result is both weight gain *and* hormonal moodiness *and* strong food cravings.
  • I can’t seem to get started on a project for my studies, time is passing, and the deadline is looming which is stressing me out.

All of these things are bothering me. They really are – no whitewashing the issue, they are bothering me.

Part of me has forgotten the pain of eating, the acute loss of control. That part wants to eat to make myself feel better when hormones make me miserable; that part wants to go on a diet and lose the last 15 lbs. whatever it takes. I can diet severely (of course, only to eventually binge severely; the net result is always GAIN). That part of me has forgotten the fact that I am abstinent by a miracle only; that I have been given a gift of an unrelenting, rigid plan that cannot be tweaked, cannot be reduced or augmented. The Greysheet is what it is, and because it has rigid boundaries I have freedom to play within them. Without abstinence, everything becomes mushy, nebulous. No right and wrong means everything is a varying degree of wrong. Grey, no black and whites. Funny that the Greysheet is not at all grey – it is black and white.

Today I need to affirm that I want abstinence more than anything. More than being 15 lbs. less. More than quick fixes. That’s because I now have the perspective to see down the roads I could take.

Q: Where does dieting the last 15 lbs. off actually lead?
A: Away from Greysheet I will never lose it, though I may well gain it (several times over).

Q: Where does “comfort” eating lead?
A: Dis-comfort – worse, misery, pain, self-hatred.

I want to be abstinent. Lately, being abstinent had become something of a “default” mode – it’s just me, that’s just how I eat – and I’m missing the initial relief, the wide-eyed excitement of discovering that there is life outside the food. I need to be reminded. Thank you for being there and helping me remember… because if I can’t remember, going off Greysheet will remind me really quickly. Jog my memory, so to speak. But I don’t want to go there; I don’t need to go there. I want abstinence more than anything.

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