This is the part of the book that I get. I’m totally there. These things are so obvious to me, and yet, I needed to be told – because I wasn’t smart enough to figure them out myself, but once I was told, everything clicked into place. I can’t think myself into right thinking because my thinking is screwed up. That makes total sense, doesn’t it? And I knew that my problem was a thinking one. I’d often get these particular binge foods into my head, and there was absolutely nothing I could do to get this out of my head again. They just lodged, driving me insane, making concentration impossible, no matter how long I held out – the obsession held out for longer. Then I’d eventually break down and since my defenses were broken down anyway, I’d go ahead and have absolutely everything in sight and then some. Make the binge worthwhile, so to speak.
As someone else mentioned, the AA idea of us being “insane” (restore us to sanity) – I never had a problem with that. I knew I wasn’t fat by accident. I knew my binges were to blame, and that eating like I was eating was not normal. It was insane and I hated it! It was controlling me and that knowledge alone got me ready to surrender to anything. I cannot stand feeling out of control: that’s why I’ve never been drunk.
I really have never argued about my sanity: when it comes to food, I know it’s not there. Nor will it ever be. That’s why I have an externally imposed structure – the Greysheet and accountability – that I stick to. I don’t make decisions, I don’t figure things out when it comes to food. I’m not to be trusted to do that.
But of course, the “-ism” is more than just food and as someone else said, it’s ME – my personality, the way I am, as well. Greed goes beyond the food: what we call the “disease of MORE”. I’m a MORE-person. I want everything, more of it, and right now too. However, any context outside the food that I act this “-ism” out is pretty harmless, won’t kill me or others, and is something I can work on gradually. Modifying my behaviour until the inside has changed. And yes, that works (pretend until it’s true).