Weigh day this month came and went – and for the first time ever, I was at exactly the same weight (down to the 0.10 lbs) as the previous month. Not that that’s significant… just new. Anyway, ever since I first got abstinent my weight has been a source of continued frustration. It felt like it took forever to take off my extra weight: I was about 50 lbs. overweight when I came in, I have lost 40 lbs. in all. Some months passed with one or two lbs. down, and some without any loss whatever, even at the beginning… I have never had the experience of “the weight falling off”. Instead, from the very beginning, it was a s-l-o-w and unrewarding process.
The positive side of this, of course, is that I didn’t get that “thrill” (and therefore, no letdown when it slowed) – I had to stay abstinent because of things other than the weight: I stayed abstinent because I began to have a life that didn’t revolve around food. My gratitude for that outweighed everything else – and I chose to cultivate that attitude. Besides, my only choice was go slow (abstinent) or go up (not abstinent). No diet had ever worked quickly on me, anyway, my body is just like that.
These days, I’m in a normal-size body – despite the 10 extra lbs. that shouldn’t be there, I don’t stand out as the fat one in groups any more. Most days I can live with that. Many days it’s not so easy, though… but I know there are still avenues available to me that I could take if I was really desperate about it. For example, consistent hard exercise. My lack of that probably isn’t helping. If I really hated the 10 lbs. so much, I probably would exercise… the very fact that I can’t bring myself to any consistency with it demonstrates that I’m willing to live with those 10 lbs. If I really was desperate, wouldn’t I do absolutely anything?
Today, my weight is in my sponsor’s hand but I accept both my own and my sponsor’s powerlessness. My sponsor gives me wonderful suggestions, but at the end of the day, it’s my body that refuses to cooperate and all the things I have tried and followed my sponsor’s suggestions… well… I just want to make clear that while I have given any and all worry about my weight to my sponsor, I don’t want to burden her with my uncooperative body either. I don’t blame her – I don’t blame myself – it’s my physical body. At this stage I accept this (or rather, it would be more accurate to say I am resigned because there is no way out).
I just don’t eat, no matter what. Any weight problems I have now are NOTHING compared to what I would be facing if I didn’t have abstinence.