Love these little nudges to think through specific aspects of my life and abstinence, and to reflect & share on them. So I’ve been thinking about gratitude this week.
I think I have been blessed with a positive outlook – whether that is just given, or it has come with my upbringing, I don’t know. Growing up, as children do I tended to take whatever came my way just the way it was, and didn’t feel either grateful or ungrateful for it. It just was. When my mother got sick and then died, I never asked why and I never hated my “lot in life”… it just was, I was sad and depressed and I wanted to die, but there was never that thing of examining my circumstances and comparing them to those of others. I think it requires taking a step back and actually looking at my life from almost an outside point of view, to do that. I never had the tendency to do this, I just got caught up in life as it was.
The same thing goes for my eating disorder. Of course I hated it… I was trapped, I wanted to die, I was miserable and fat and lonely… but I never asked why. I wasn’t ungrateful for my “lot in life” either, because my life on the outside was actually going pretty well and I saw the food problem as the one thing, the one problem, and if I solved it then I would have the most awesome and fabulous life. (and that’s exactly what happened – the promises are true!)
Perhaps this has to do with an attitude of action. I never saw myself as a victim who things just “happened to”. I was just trapped with no way out – and then I found Greysheet, was given the tools, and took hold of it all with complete desperation and abandon: and here I am, abstinent today. I’m not sorry I have an eating disorder. When I pray, I don’t ask “Why have you done this to me?”… I’m glad, for crying out loud, because the way I see it everyone has some kind of an issue and I’d rather have this one (which is solvable and I am able to have a full, awesome life) than, say, alcoholism, drug addiction, porn/sex/lust addiction… or a boring life. I realise not everyone’s an addict, but I look at the ladies at my work and how they go from diet to diet as their weight yo-yos and it’s because they have no hardcore addiction. They’re part-time overeaters, living lives of low-level, quiet despair – not enough to be able to take hold of a true solution, and unable to live free either. I get to live free! How could I not be grateful?