I’ve been thinking, how do I express my feelings about this? There’s mixed feelings, you see. On one hand, I am incredibly grateful for the way my relationship with food now works… I am incredibly grateful for the beautiful, tasty, abundant food I get to have on a daily basis… I am incredibly grateful for the mental freedom I have in between meals. It really feels like much more than 2 years, it seems so normal. This is my life, this is what I do with my food, it’s matter-of-fact and routine.
I’m just a little sad that it’s not longer. Had I not thrown away the gift in summer of 2006 after over a year’s abstinence… and that’s what I did, nobody forced food into my mouth and there was no craving… I’m sorry that I did that. I really am. However, I would be the poorer if it weren’t for that experience – I learned so much from it. I learned that my illness is truly a mental one, not just physical (because I never took back the sugars/grains/starches and yet went absolutely mental in dieting, bingeing, starving and all the rest). I learned that there is no way civilians will ever truly understand, and I learned that I don’t need to try to make them understand. Now I just tell them what I do, and how; but I won’t discuss whether or not I should. Only I can tell whether I ought to do Greysheet or not, nobody else.
Well. Today is all I have. I am grateful for how easy this programme comes to me, if I only choose to follow it. I know some people struggle so much more than I do. I choose to be abstinent, and I choose to do what it takes to stay abstinent, because I have an absolutely fabulous live (or at least I think so!) – whatever my circumstances outside.
And can I just say: I do have my struggles. I am still not at goal weight, as my body continues to defy me… I have struggled so much with gum… I have had to let go of various foods on the Greysheet (and STILL my body won’t lose the weight!)… I’m not always blissfully happy. I’m abstinent because there’s simply no other way for me. I won’t lose the weight if I go off Greysheet. If I stay on Greysheet, I just might. Or might not. The chances are better, anyway, and besides, I have no life when I’m not abstinent – I have proved that to myself when I went off Greysheet in 2006 and never took back the substances… even so… my life evaporated. Food was IT. I don’t want that, today.
So I’m as abstinent today as I was yesterday – no matter what!