Back from family visit / grateful and fears

I got home from a week’s vacation in Vienna to visit my family. Much of that was an exhausting experience. I stayed at my grandmother’s, who gets crankier every passing year; next year when I visit I will not stay with her again. It’s just not worth the trouble. I had to argue over every single meal as I made it, as she derided my choices, as she told me off for eating too much / the wrong things / not what she wanted me to eat. I remained abstinent with the help of a wonderful temp sponsor and the knowledge that it was only a week, but I am exceedingly grateful to be back home.

Apart from my grandmother, the rest of the family has really been fine. They are used to my weighing and measuring by now and have managed to accommodate me so well that I ate like a queen when I ate with them. Eating out in Austrian restaurants was also very simple. So I am grateful for that.

With my temp sponsor this week, I have composed a list of gratitude and fears for today.

  1. I am grateful to be back home after a stressful week with family.
  2. I am grateful for my colleagues at work who are so loving and made me feel so welcome back this morning.
  3. I am grateful to have my own kitchen back and be able to make my own food without having to explain and argue at every meal.
  4. I am grateful I didn’t pick the gum back up while away even though I really struggled.
  5. I am grateful for the sunny weather and the fact that I will be able to enjoy some of it as I get to leave work early today.

Fears…

  1. I am afraid of all the work that has accumulated while I was away – it feels like a mountain and it weighs heavily on me.
  2. I am afraid when my sponsor is away. I know it’s an irrational fear, but I still feel it. She is a secure rock in my abstinence.
  3. I am afraid because my finances are so tight this month.
  4. I am afraid I have too much protein at home to eat it all before it goes off. I have a fear/aversion to throwing food away.
  5. I am afraid to be alone with nothing to do tonight, but I need to rest.

I’m very grateful I got through this, it was really abstinence and the thought of the next meal that allowed me to remain present and somewhat sane throughout. I kept wanting to pick up gum but thank goodness I did not, and am incredibly grateful to have returned home clean and clear. It’s good to be back.

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