I’ve been thinking about going over the basics a little bit. Having been abstinent a while (although of course that is very relative!) it seems that abstinence is often a given and I focus on the other issues in life, and share about them on here. But the basis of it all, my entire recovery, is that I am a compulsive overeater and any recovery or sanity I attain in the various aspects of my life, I owe directly to being out of the food. So, it’s a good reminder.
I’m not cured. I am in recovery, living a sane life, but if I pick up the food again I’m going to be right back at square 1. No recovery, no sane life. Hell, pain, insanity, fear, bewilderment, f-o-o-d f-o-o-d f-o-o-d. Nothing else matters.
But, I don’t test that, I don’t try it out every other week to see if the same thing will still happen… so how do I know? How can I tell, without a doubt, that I am still a compulsive overeater? A few things.
- I personally have never suffered from the delusion that I want “only one bite”. I don’t care about a bite, I want the whole thing and then the box and then the truckload. A bite wouldn’t satisfy. This is still true when I look at non-GS food: I want it all, not one. That shows me I’m not cured.
- I act the way I did with food with other substances now. I have to tackle them one at a time and it’s a battle – chewing gum, diet sodas – so if I can go insane with things that don’t even set off my system physically, simply because I am mentally sick, then how much more crazy and miserable would I be with the real thing? That shows me I’m not cured.
- I look forward to my every meal way more than any civilian I have ever known, unless they are starving.
- I love the act of eating (free from guilt, beautiful tasty food) way more than any civilian I’ve ever known. I do eat in social situations and it’s OK, but my preference will always be to get alone with my food and enjoy every bite.
- My portions are way larger than those of normal people and they still don’t look like enough to me. Only the scale assures me that they will be enough.
- I draw an inordinate amount of comfort from looking forward to my next meal, from my beautiful food itself, from knowing I have my prepared meal ready and waiting for me when I get home…
- I could eat another dinner right after having finished.
There are many, many more daily instances that show me that I’m not cured today. I may be cured tomorrow, who knows – I believe in a God who heals – but I know I’m not cured today. The community of GS’ers certainly plays a huge part in that too, because I hear my own story when I hear other people’s stories and I relate to them on a level so deep that I have to believe their story is part of mine, too.
I’m incredibly grateful for this program. It hasn’t cured me, but it is giving me a wonderful life beyond my wildest dreams and it has turned COE defects into guilt free comforts – it’s OK to love my food! It’s OK to eat lots of food! This is beyond awesome!!
I don’t eat anything EXCEPT weighed and measured, committed GS food, no matter what.