How I know I’m not cured

I’ve been thinking about going over the basics a little bit.  Having been abstinent a while (although of course that is very relative!) it seems that abstinence is often a given and I focus on the other issues in life, and share about them on here.  But the basis of it all, my entire recovery, is that I am a compulsive overeater and any recovery or sanity I attain in the various aspects of my life, I owe directly to being out of the food.  So, it’s a good reminder.

I’m not cured.  I am in recovery, living a sane life, but if I pick up the food again I’m going to be right back at square 1.  No recovery, no sane life.  Hell, pain, insanity, fear, bewilderment, f-o-o-d f-o-o-d f-o-o-d.  Nothing else matters.

But, I don’t test that, I don’t try it out every other week to see if the same thing will still happen… so how do I know?  How can I tell, without a doubt, that I am still a compulsive overeater?  A few things.

  • I personally have never suffered from the delusion that I want “only one bite”.  I don’t care about a bite, I want the whole thing and then the box and then the truckload.  A bite wouldn’t satisfy.  This is still true when I look at non-GS food: I want it all, not one.  That shows me I’m not cured.
  • I act the way I did with food with other substances now.  I have to tackle them one at a time and it’s a battle – chewing gum, diet sodas – so if I can go insane with things that don’t even set off my system physically, simply because I am mentally sick, then how much more crazy and miserable would I be with the real thing?  That shows me I’m not cured.
  • I look forward to my every meal way more than any civilian I have ever known, unless they are starving.
  • I love the act of eating (free from guilt, beautiful tasty food) way more than any civilian I’ve ever known.  I do eat in social situations and it’s OK, but my preference will always be to get alone with my food and enjoy every bite.
  • My portions are way larger than those of normal people and they still don’t look like enough to me.  Only the scale assures me that they will be enough.
  • I draw an inordinate amount of comfort from looking forward to my next meal, from my beautiful food itself, from knowing I have my prepared meal ready and waiting for me when I get home…
  • I could eat another dinner right after having finished.

There are many, many more daily instances that show me that I’m not cured today.  I may be cured tomorrow, who knows – I believe in a God who heals – but I know I’m not cured today.  The community of GS’ers certainly plays a huge part in that too, because I hear my own story when I hear other people’s stories and I relate to them on a level so deep that I have to believe their story is part of mine, too.

I’m incredibly grateful for this program.  It hasn’t cured me, but it is giving me a wonderful life beyond my wildest dreams and it has turned COE defects into guilt free comforts – it’s OK to love my food!  It’s OK to eat lots of food!  This is beyond awesome!!

I don’t eat anything EXCEPT weighed and measured, committed GS food, no matter what.

Advertisements

One response to “How I know I’m not cured

  1. thank you for your list of ways to know you are not cured from food addiction. i have fallen into the same trap. trying to engage in my past pleasures with the same old trigger foods, the same old obsessive compulsive food behaviors expecting a different result. i feel like i have finally come to a place in my life where i’m starting to really let go of the food and i know i still have a long journey ahead of me. even when you let go of the sugar there is the diet sodas, the chewing gum and for me nicotiene. i have an addictive personality and that will not just go away one day. the only thing i can do is to keep reminding myself that this is an ongoing addiction and i need to treat myself and my body accordingly. if i dont’ take that first bite then i can’t get to the second, third, and one-hundreth bite either!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s