I think this ties in with last week for me, in saying that I need to listen to different people (or groups) about different areas in my life. Rather than saying “I want your life” and following *everything*, I look at certain areas in someone’s life or in a group, where I want change in MY life for the better, and I ask specifically for help in that area. So my life, as it evolves, is a patchwork and kaleidoscope, unique, and made the way I want it – the way God made me, really.
This issue of individuality versus conformity is something I’m really facing head-on at the moment. I have been having this tension in my life for over a year and a half now, of living in one place and working in another place, 50 miles away. I’ve been commuting, my life being split between to places, and strong ties on each side. I have sought input from many different sources, and from God. For months I have felt very uncomfortable as I sat on that fence, unable to make a decision either way.
For me, the solution has been to dip my toe on both sides of the fence. To get out of my head and really, truly face the possibilities. I sent out my resume to potential employers closer to my home, went to interviews, and listened to guidance from my Higher Power. I prayed every time I put myself out there, to be able to hear him, to be guided.
I say that the solution “has been”, because I have finally reached a decision and it has not come through other people. I have sought guidance, desperately, but one thing I know is that I cannot rely on second-hand revelation. I need to get the final word straight from my higher power. I can ask for help and guidance, but I have got to ask for guidance from God, myself. And I have finally worked it through – the peace has come – and the decision has been, and still is, heart-wrenching (as any decision would have been) yet totally right. I am at peace, at long last. While much is yet to be worked out, and lots of activity is coming my way – and lots of discussions to be had with spiritual guides and mentors in my life – I am at a kind of peace that it feels like whatever goes on around me, I will still have that peaceful center. It took me months and that is why it’s such a profound, and solid, decision, not one made lightly. Looking back, I have learned incredible amounts of things and I anticipate much is to be learned yet in the upcoming months as I pack up here and move to a whole new community.