Connecting / soy woes

I seem to have quite a need to connect with you here lately… which might have to do with the fact that my boss is out and work is going s-l-o-w.  So, here I am again – still a compulsive overeater but abstinent today as I weigh my 3 meals off the CGS, write them down, commit them to my sponsor, and eat nothing uncommitted no matter what.  I’m making that my #1 priority for today.
Looking at my consistent weight gain over the past year, which has been slow but steady, I am now finally at a point where I have to take a serious look at my intake of soy.  My sponsor keeps advising me that many long-timers have found it to prevent weight loss or even make them gain weight.  Considering that I have already given up almost all dairy, chewing gum, and processed foods in general, I find it interesting just how hard everything within me wants to fight this and keep the soy.  I like the way it fills me up and keeps me full for a long time – what others would probably describe to be “sitting in their stomach like a rock” is to me actually a pleasant sensation I can’t seem to get from other foods.
So I have committed to giving it up, but I haven’t done it yet.  Just the commitment.  I still have a supply of it at home and the plan is to use that up, and buy no more.  I am both frightened to get to the end of my supply and wishing it to go quicker.  Wanting to eat nothing else until it’s all gone (no, I won’t do that!), wanting to be rid of it already even as I fear the loss.  I can be compulsive about anything.  I had already limited my use of soy to one day a week, but that may still be too much and I am told it would be better to just clean it out entirely.
But what next…?  What if I find that it doesn’t make a difference – what else can I give up?  And, can I take it back in that case?  Why can’t I eat like other Greysheeters?  These are some of the questions swirling around in my head.  I’m not happy.
But, come what may, I will remain abstinent – no matter what.


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