I’m not good at accepting or embracing imperfection in me, although I’ll often speak openly about my shortcomings – hold my hands up and say I’m not perfect – but that’s lip service. Deep down I do have that need to be perfect, when it comes to action. I’ll *say* I’m not perfect, but I’ll expect perfection in myself regardless.
I have had to admit to a terrible lie this week that I have been trying to live with for months now. I’d taken money. Sneakiness, greed, “seeing what I can get away with” – those are character defects, and they are not pretty. They make me lose self-respect, how can I accept or even embrace them? I don’t believe I should. When it comes to integrity, I want to live as clear and transparent a life, without hiding, as I possibly can.
I suppose I’ve got to learn that there are character defects, which need to be worked on & ironed out, and then there are imperfections that are merely evidence of my humanity, the fact that I can’t be good at everything and can’t be at my best at all times. I think I do accept that. What I really have a problem with is my essential flaws, the things I dislike about myself: my – in Christian terms – flesh, the “fallen” nature. I don’t have to live in this, and I hate it when I do, but nevertheless I sometimes do.
Well, the story of this week is that I finally owned up to my lie, I gave the money to its rightful owner, and a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank goodness.