Keeping it real

I’ve found it really interesting to read this particular passage just as I’m doing my 5th Step.  What shouted out at me from the reading was the bit about “be-ing”.  I’m a “do-er”.  I do things to show myself capable, to be liked, to be approved.  I know that God loves and accepts me, but I always thought that he can only do that because he is God (and therefore, he is love); no human being could see me for what I am and still accept/love me.

Part of this comes out of the fact that I always used to have to earn my mother’s love.  It wasn’t given.  I was accepted conditionally, i.e. when I was being good.  When I was doing well.  Not for “being” a daughter in the house.

So, doing my 4th Step and then sharing it with someone else in the 5th has been transformational.  I talked and unloaded all the stuff I’d been carrying, hiding, that I’d thought I’d take with me to the grave.  Afterwards, the person who took it offered to keep my bicycle in her garage so I could come over and ride it when I want to, and she’d love to go out cycling with me.  Mundane, but what an incredible gift: she still wants to know me!  She didn’t desperately try to get me out of her house as quickly as possible!

I later said to her that I really appreciated her offer because it was made even after I’d shared all that ugliness.  She replied, saying I had simply shared human-ness.

I suppose that is what spirituality, be-ing, comes down to for me – the fact that I am in my imperfect being, my character flaws and all, still an acceptable human being and no worse than anyone else.  Or better.

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