Unedited, me

Having finished my 4th Step (for now; I believe in the onion model, i.e. you can always peel another layer), I have an unedited version of myself in black and white, in writing.  This is frightening and comforting at the same time.  When things are not named, they are grey shadowy entities about myself that loom large, and seem too terrible to confront.  When I wrote them down, they were disgusting and terrible things I had done or had identified in my personality, but they shrunk somehow.  They suddenly had clear outlines, no longer hiding in the back room but fully exposed to scrutiny.

I really don’t like some of what I see there.  But I can grasp it now, whereas before it was just there, nebulous, undefined. Yesterday, a friend of mine said that she is always wearing a “veil”, editing who she is for the outside world.  I do that too, of course, that’s only normal and healthy (who would blurt everything about themselves to everyone else?) – BUT, the difference now is that I’m not wearing that veil on *myself* any more.  I have a clear vision of who I am, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  Soon, through Step 5, another human being will also have that clear vision of me, and that is another frightening – and yet strangely exhiliarating! – concept. Now, relating to the weekly topic… if this stuff isn’t therapy, then I don’t know what is!

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