I have enjoyed this first chapter, but the one thing that stood out to me as well was Rabbi Zuzya’s quote about being ME. I struggle with that.
It’s funny, everyone I know would tell you that I’m so self-assured, I don’t care what people think, I am just unabashedly myself. Funny, because I wouldn’t say that, not even close! I see myself being someone else according to who I’m with, who I want them to see… I edit myself quite heavily. And the thing is, people don’t see that, but God does. And I do, too. One thing I’m very good at is judging myself, and I’m harsh. So at this point perhaps I should give myself some credit and believe that people do have a point, that I’m not as malleable to my surroundings as I think I am.
With the step work I’m undertaking right now, through the AWOL, I am learning things about myself I hadn’t seen before and have made connections about things I used to feel so bad about… whereas, when I look into my past, I can see where these things have come from and I can accept them about myself. Not to say I don’t want to change my character flaws, what I’m saying is that I’m becoming more aware of who Susanne is – which the Rabbi says I’ll have to give an account about – and while that is not perfect, I don’t have to have this vague feeling of condemnation. I’m differently flawed than everyone else, because I’m unique, but the point is I’m flawed just as everyone else is. No hiding necessary.
Of course my fears are still there, of being KNOWN – a frightening idea – but as I grow to accept who I am, I trust I’ll be more comfortable being that, authentically, anywhere. Last week, a friend of mine said something that impacted me profoundly, she said, “I’m a Christian. I don’t need your approval, because I’m already approved.” – I know this, in my head, but this girl has it in her heart. It’s her truth. I can only aspire to this level of security in my identity!
I look forward to working through this book.