Isolation

What a relevant topic, isolation.  I’m good at isolating.

What I’m reminded of today is that my disease is one of isolation, of hiding, sneaking, and lying.  Of living two lives, a pretend one and a miserable one.  Abstinence and recovery is learning how to live just one life, to be the same person on my own as I am with others.  My food problem is out there: when I eat with others, they know.  Before abstinence, I would maintain with all my might that I didn’t *have* any problems (despite the fact that my extra weight would be clearly obvious to all).

I don’t get to isolate a certain part of me any more.  So I have to choose what I do with the whole of myself – do I isolate, or participate?

I’ve learned that I’m not going to be best friends with everyone in program.  People in Greysheet are as diverse as any group of random people – as the Big Book says, we’re like survivors of a boating accident, people as different as can be but united in our one problem and its solution.  This is the one and only thing I have in common with every one here.  With many people, that’s the only thing I have in common with them and that’s ok.  Then there are some who share more than that with me, who I connect with, who I make friends with.

But I’m not here to be in a social club.  I’m here to save my life.  If I get to make friends along the way, good!  But it’s not a requirement.

I thank God for this solution, and I am here because I need to be part of the group, be accountable and transparent, having people call on me and know that I’m here; people who would realize I was missing if I dropped away.  I am not strong enough to do this on my own – I get into my own head and there is no more dangerous place than that.  I can convince myself of anything, rationalize anything… but GS’ers will mercilessly (mercifully!) point out my defective reasoning and give me perspective again.  I need that.  Just God and I – I’ve tried and failed.  I need people.

Thank you all for being there.
Susanne

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s