Well, this week’s reading was interesting. I can’t say that I agree with the idea that love and fear are the only two emotions. In fact, one of the things I’ve always struggled with, and am consciously working on, is that most of the time I have no idea what my feelings are, or am even conscious of having any feelings/emotions at all. It’s not that I can’t name an emotion – it’s that I’m so mind driven that I seem to operate out of mental processes only, with very little heart involvement. I just don’t feel things.
Then again, much of this could very well be a result of burying emotion, that it has come to the point of being unrecognisable and my default way of being simply doesn’t include emotion. Whether that’s good or bad, I’m still making my mind up.
Fears, however, I do have. Financial, mostly. And there’s a difference between facing them and letting them go. Facing a fear doesn’t make it smaller if it’s a valid fear – if it’s indeed valid, facing it may help me come up with a plan. If it’s not valid, then facing it should make it go away, shouldn’t it? But it doesn’t really. I have to consciously let those fears go. Those fears, which have no concrete reason that I can take action about, keep returning… for me, they include things like:
- being rejected
- having people get to know me, and being revolted by what they see
- being “found out” (for what, I don’t know – for my personality, I suppose)
One of my worst recurring fears, that I do know hold me back, is that people will get to know the real me. Which is not likeable, loving, or compassionate – my deepest personality as I understand it today is extremely self-centred, uncaring, proud, and cold. Here, I said it, and I’m not afraid of saying it… because I know you don’t really believe it. My fear is that people will encounter how deeply true it is, “find me out” for real. I often feel that God, my higher power, is the only one capable of loving me (because that is who he is, he can love ANYone).
I haven’t really got answers. All I know is that I still put up walls as a default. I hide, as a default. I suppose that is all operating out of fear – but without love, if those two options are really the only ones there are, that’s the only way of being open for me, isn’t it? I don’t want to sound all depressed, and I am not! I am not depressed about this. Because I have this program, and abstinence, I know that I can walk out of this place a day at a time, a step at a time, I have hope for change – and for today, that hope is really enough.