Useful Spiritual Beings?

“Useful spiritual beings”, indeed.  My primary character defect is egocentricity – I am the centre of my universe.  As a spiritual being, a physical being, an emotional being, if I am useful at all I tend to be useful to myself only.  Always looking after myself first, others second.

At the same time, I “do” a lot.  I serve others in practical ways, such as volunteering in the homeless shelter… I work in charity because I could not bear working for money only, which seems so pointless… but why am I doing these things?  Is it because I genuinely want to serve people or because there is something I get out of it?  I don’t mean things, or money – I mean the kick of feeling good about myself.  The gratefulness of others.  The feeling of being useful.  But at the end of the day, I am served first and others second.

The problem is, this goes round in a circle… I mean, why am I in recovery in the first place?  To serve ME – and then the programme tells me to make myself useful to others, to put others first, in order to keep recovering.  But if that is the end I pursue, then ultimately I’m self-centred again.

See, here’s the issue… no matter what I do, I end up serving ME.  I have no concept of how to be a genuinely useful spiritual being, a selfless person.  I’m selfish to the core.

And I’m puzzled as to how not to be.  Or if, ultimately, everyone serves themselves anyway and there’s no way not to.  Oh well.  Recovery surely challenges me and my views.

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