I don’t know what to do… or even how I feel… or where to go with it. So I reach out here. Putting it down this way organises my thoughts.
I think I feel very numb right now. Just got news from one of my friends in New York – I’m in touch with them all as a group – that he is now dating another of my friends there. I love them both very much. But he – he had a special place in my heart. There was never any indication of interest, of course, and I didn’t actively hold out any hopes.
Only since I met him, I have never looked at other men. I met him in 2003 and moved away from there in ’04, so for the past three years I wasn’t even near him. But other men just didn’t occur to me. I’m 26, but I don’t even really desire to get married – if I did, I might have looked for “alternatives”. As it is, I never have understood this about myself until just now when I got the news… that the reason I’m such a happy single is that I’m simply oblivious to men, other than that one (who was out of sight, out of mind – but not out of heart, apparently).
I don’t know how I feel now. I didn’t know I felt that way in the first place.
There’s a numbness. Something deep has changed, a hope has ceased to exist. I knew I was going to see him in November when I go to visit, and I was excited about that… oh guess what, I was praying this morning in the shower that God would do his will in this. How swiftly that prayer was answered.
I sit there and stare into space. Don’t know what to do… what to think… what to feel…
I’ll go pray now. It’s the only thing I can think of to do. But I needed to share with human beings.