I’m dealing with feelings and I don’t know how to deal – I can’t even name many of them. Yesterday, cold and exhausted and hungry, I came home and I was shaking, made my dinner. Then started crying for no reason. My housemate asked me what the problem was and I had no idea! I still don’t. There’s lots of little things, but nothing that would warrant an overreaction like this. I’m not a cryer, normally. Ever. Got myself under control eventually, but man, I was toeing the line to a nervous breakdown WITHOUT ANY IDEA WHY!
I suppose there’s lots of little things adding up. Moving this Saturday. Reaching my sponsor live only once in a blue moon, and when I do, feeling like I just cannot connect to her – she’s lovely and it’s only an issue of different personalities, I like her but I need much patience to deal with the way she is. Work is lots of pressure. House needs to be deep-cleaned on Monday (the one I’m moving out of).
Whatever the case is, none of these things are that hard to handle. I haven’t got a clue why my feelings are acting up like that. I know I’m not hormonal because I don’t have a monthly cycle (which is a hormonal condition, the upside of which is that I don’t get mood swings). I’ve got just over five months of b2b-abstinence (six month anniversary on April 15th!), but have been out of the sugars/grains/starches since March ’05.
It’s unsettling. Perhaps I’ve become so good at pushing down emotions that I don’t recognize one when I feel it. Certainly can’t put a name to it, much less deal with it (except push it down, which I eventually managed to do yesterday – if I hadn’t, I have no idea what would have happened – total hysteria?)
Thank you all for being there for me to share this stuff. I don’t eat, no matter what.