I had a really terrible time this weekend. Saturday night, I went to bed feeling somewhat dizzy and nauseous, and about half an hour later I was running to the bathroom to be sick. This is very traumatic to me – I don’t normally get sick like that, and even when I was in the food and wished I could get rid of the food I’d just binged on, I was never able to make that happen. Not that I didn’t try, and try hard. There’s just a block, I can’t do it – which I now recognise as a huge blessing – so the fact that I was so violently ill on Saturday really shook me. All day Sunday, while no longer vomiting, I was so weakened that every time I walked up or down the stairs in my house I needed 10 minutes rest on the couch.
The interesting thing about this is that all day Sunday, I wasn’t able to eat normally. I was barely keeping down water. Having called a qualified Greysheeter for advice, I followed her suggestions, and so I know that I’m still abstinent; but it was really interesting to see my own reaction to this. How I wanted comfort from food! Of course, food wasn’t an option – aside from abstinence, even if I weren’t abstinent, I COULD NOT have used food for comfort because I just couldn’t eat! But I still had to fight that urge, that being drawn to food. What a paradox.
Today I got up feeling much better, and have been able to eat my abstinent meals (two of them so far) as committed. This seems to be over almost as quickly as it came on… thank goodness! No matter how bad I feel, how nauseous, the idea of missing out on my meals is still terrible – even if I couldn’t possibly stomach them!
So I just wanted to share how I’ve discovered another facet of my illness (just how much of a comfort I get from food) and also that I’m still abstinent, gratefully so, thanks to this community of experienced Greysheeters who’ve been through all this before and can guide me through any situation.