Locking the door

In talking with my sponsor this morning, we were discussing my plans to go out for dinner with my friends for one friend’s birthday. It would be my first time eating out since getting abstinent again. As it so happens, the dinner isn’t on (which has nothing to do with me) but I think it’s worth sharing with you on here the thoughts and feelings I had about it, in the hope that some of this may encourage someone else.

I was planning to go and eat the restaurant’s food. I have been there before and I know that I can get abstinent food – perhaps not in sufficient quantities, which is where my backup would come in (I take backup of everything, separately) – and this would mean that some of my friends there would see me weigh my food for the first time. Uncomfortable, certainly. Necessary, absolutely.

Yesterday I was thinking about going and not weighing there – making one exception, after all they do it in OA, why not me, especially as I don’t often go out anyway… you get the picture. But I know that I’d be on dangerous ground that way, I may not slide into a binge THAT DAY but I would be opening a door. There would be another time of eating out. There would be other exceptions. Eventually, because my abstinence isn’t clean, compromises would grow and grow until I’m living a lie. I don’t want to live a lie. I choose to do the little, day-to-day things right – such as making it an exact 4.0, such as not making any exceptions, such as being rigorously honest with my sponsor – not because I’m afraid I will binge if I allow the scale to say 4.1. My disease isn’t like that.

I do this because little compromises grow, they don’t stay little.

I’d rather have NONE – then they can’t grow – but once the door is open, even just a fraction, the lock is off and all I can do is use willpower to push it closed by force. And I know very well that my willpower is finite. So why do that, if I can just cleanly lock the door?

My door is locked today, thank God.

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