Why I relapsed in May

I’m still very much in the honeymoon phase with abstinence. Learning a lot about why I let it go last time after almost 1.5 years – as they say, there’s a million reasons but not a single excuse. I was vulnerable then, and now I can ensure that I don’t put myself into such a position again (and if I were to find myself in it, I would know better to be on guard).

The things I have identified are:

  • having to change sponsors (moved transcontinentally and our times would not match)
  • dieting on Greysheet (restricting my food choices within the GS)
  • discussing my abstinence with civilians (openness is one thing, but my abstinence now is not open to argument)
  • starting to not call in small food changes
  • exhausting myself in getting to meetings and in service (adding stress rather than supporting my abstinence)
  • trying to make friends with everyone in the program.

Each one of these added pressure on my abstinence. Most importantly, I lost my understanding of the nature of this disease and began to think I could “handle it” now. I knew I couldn’t handle the grains/sugars/starches and so I never went back to them, but I cannot handle eating outside Greysheet, period. I cannot handle eating without a sponsor. I cannot handle eating unweighed food. I am a compulsive overeater.

I now watch out for these things and avoid them. I love abstinence and this time around, I am enjoying a serenity and peace that I didn’t have then. That’s because I have finally realized that I have to do absolutely NOTHING… except eat exactly what I have committed, no matter what. All other things we do in program may support my abstinence, but they are not the EXTENT of my life in abstinence.


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