I don’t have to!

Before I found Greysheet, I would often use exercise in hopes of losing weight. Unfortunately I wasn’t nearly as faithful to my exercise programs as I was to my regular binges, which meant that every so often I would re-start a new exercise program and go really hard. Then I pushed my body to the limits once or twice, and then I had enough of that program.

The only thing that was consistent was my eating.

One thing I was very drawn to was running. Running is supposed to be the hardest exercise of all, so it must produce results the quickest, right? So I ran. Sometimes I managed to convince myself that I’d enjoy it, but once I was out there huffing and puffing, I really couldn’t escape the reality that I didn’t. Afterwards I would be glad I did it, feel a sense of accomplishment, but the next morning the dread of feeling the way I did
while running certainly outweighed any good feelings I afterwards. After all, I could deliver instant good feelings to myself with a pint of X, so why work for it?

But I kept trying. I read websites to get motivated. I even thought of entering into races. For a while, because I like being out in nature, I ran on trails fairly consistently because that was the only way I would let myself be in the forest. Of course, each run had to be at least three miles long, and the trail running eventually ended because my knee would no longer cooperate. That was in early abstinence. I haven’t run since then – almost a year ago – because every time I tried, my knee would be back to square one. I’m afraid I busted it permanently.

Could I have run in abstinence to lose weight faster? Probably – but I believe that this was my HP’s provision to keep me from treating Greysheet as a diet, because if I were exercising consistently and making it PART OF my abstinence, when I failed at exercising, my head would immediately tell me I might as well let it all go. So in the past year, I really haven’t exercised.

And as I am coming to realize now: I don’t have to! I do not have to do anything I don’t feel like doing. Recently I found myself researching running again, but with a different motivation: my body feels good and I enjoy moving it! But running, because of my knee, is still out of the question, and I have realized that I don’t have to do it. If it’s not good
for me, or if I don’t want to do it, I don’t have to. My only mode of transportation these days is a bicycle, and that exercises me plenty, thanks very much. And if that’s all I do – even if I don’t even do this, even if all I do is eat abstinently – then that’s OK.

Not running today, BUT eating 3 delicious abstinent meals.

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