Why do I eat?

I’m baffled today, and I wonder if anyone has any ESH on this.

I’ve been abstinent over 10 months now, and beginning to work the steps. I’m feeling stuck… my task is to find out why I ate. But, could it be that I didn’t need a reason? I don’t ever recall eating “over” something, like some people report here. Or perhaps I was just so good at denying it that I can’t even tell now? I ate because I couldn’t stop, and I started because the food called to me. I felt powerless when it called, my thoughts would circle around it for hours until I was so worn down that I went and ate it. I don’t recall outside circumstances affecting that at all – happy, sad, bored, at parties, alone… I just ate.

Could I be an overeater without a reason? Without a reason other than physical addiction, I mean?

Another thing I’ve noticed, looking back, is that my memory is very sketchy. Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I have learned to “blot out” bad experiences as they happen and forget about them even AS I LIVE THROUGH THEM, numbing myself to the experience – and then later on I simply have no memory of them. There are many instances when my family or friends would tell me of a traumatic experience I’m supposed to have had, and I have absolutely no memory of it, not even of FORGETTING it. No matter how many photos I look at, how much detail I’m given – nothing.

It’s baffling… I keep thinking I’d rather let sleeping dogs lie, after all my life is great now, but my sponsor rightly reminds me that I need to build a strong defense against the first bite. Perhaps part of that is digging into things I forgot as they happened (but how?!).


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