I went to an AA meeting yesterday. Since it was a mere 3 people – which includes me! – I really couldn’t get around sharing. Telling them what my problem is, and I have no alcohol problem like some do, who are dual addicted. For me it’s just the food, nothing but the food.
One of my sponsees goes to AA meetings quite regularly, and that’s how I worked up the courage to go, too. (She didn’t tell me until today that she did have a bit of an alcohol problem as well). While the meeting was very good and I really liked the two alcoholics who were there… and they never belittled me or anything, on the contrary, seemed very open and welcoming – I still can’t get out of feeling that my problem is somehow invalid. It’s obviously different in Greysheet meetings, where everyone’s problem is the same, but in this meeting I really felt humbled by how insignificant my disease is, by comparison.
It’s not insignificant to me, what I’m trying to express is my continual feeling that I’m just pathetic, that this problem hasn’t taken me anywhere near the depths those two alcoholics have been to – blackouts, prisons, failed marriages. So on one hand my feelings tell me I’m pathetic because I have a problem with food in the first place (something everyone around me takes for granted to have control over), and then I’m also pathetic because I take this petty problem so seriously.
I’m choosing not to believe those lies. I choose not to believe those feelings, and exactly BECAUSE I have them, I will go back to this meeting next week. (Yes, they actually invited me back, wonder of wonders!). I can’t compare myself and my addiction to others. The only criterion I can use for myself is whether or not I consider my life unmanageable when I’m in my substance… and no matter how pathetic my choice of substance… there is no question in my mind that my life is unmanageable off Greysheet, so I’ll have to live with the feelings. Gosh there’s SO MUCH shame associated with this disease. It’s not a moral issue, but to me, it is a humiliating issue.
Humiliating – humility – humble. A friend (non-GS) once told me, when I said “in my humble opinion…” – that there’s nothing humble about me. Point taken. I’m learning.