Change

I couldn’t write yesterday because I was at work for all of two hours. Then, I had to go and pick up my new car!! Yes, I have a new car now, I mean not NEW NEW, but new enough that I’m confident it’ll last me longer than the previous one did, which I had for all of 8 months (Ford: Fix Or Repair Daily).

I thank my HP that I had people who were willing to lend me the money (several $1,000) because no bank will, since I still don’t have a credit rating. I’ve been saving up for a secured credit card, which starts at a deposit of $500, for months, and always had some sort of unexpected expense prevent me from actually reaching that amount so I could get one.

And it doesn’t look like it’ll get better anytime soon… now I have car payments to add to my budget (whereas my previous car was so cheap I paid for it in cash), AND I’m looking to get into a different housing situation too. Lots of changes happening! I watch this with somewhat mixed feelings. I mean, for the car, I could have been abstinent or not and it would have broken anyway, making it absolutely necessary for me to buy another. But other things… changes I make… some of it is certainly constructive, but other things might be unnecessary. Like the housing: it’s not like I’m going to be thrown out, or like it’s a really bad housing situation as it is. I feel like I just want change, and as much as possible. Heck, I’ve even toyed with the idea of cutting my hair short! – and I have yet to find a short hairstyle that will fit my head with its weird triangle shape and fine (fine fine) hair.

I don’t know… the wandering mind, the restlessness, the need for change… am I now becoming aware of things I would have wanted to do anyway if it wasn’t for my numbness in the food? Or am I compensating for eating, that is, one compulsion (change) for the other?

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